I Am So Full of Shame
by eloquentfever
Summary: Blaine Anderson has anorexia binge-purge subtype & has OCD; Kurt Hummed has bulimia with anorexic tendencies & is a cutter. Their relationship is a spiral of weight loss & addiction. Klaine. 1st in series. COMPLETE.
1. Kurt Purges

_This is set after "Original Song" 2x16, so Blaine and Kurt are together, but before 2x18, "Born This Way" so Kurt is still in Dalton when this is happening. For now, it'll follow on to what's going on in Season 3, but slowly trickling towards that then. :) also, some events might be changed because of the ED!Klaine we're gonna have. The relationship is meant to be very distorted and **manipulative** on both ends. Sometimes, it's Kurt and sometimes, it's Blaine. In the end, I want to convey a slightly sick & twisted relationship. _

_Oh, these are very short ensembles. I know they aren't really this cruel, but remember – when I was writing this, I realised that even if they did have problems, they'd talk back. In their minds, they're truly thinking that they are 'helping' each other by being unnecessarily cruel. Also, sweeties, this is mostly typed up with just a little alternations here and there so it totally doesn't effect me updating other fanfics. also, very TRIGGERY._

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Title: I Am So Full of Shame  
Rated: +18 – mentions of rape, OCD, cutting, ED, suicide, themes  
Summary: Blaine Anderson has anorexia binge-purge subtype & has OCD; Kurt Hummed has bulimia with anorexic tendencies & is a cutter. Their relationship is a spiral of weight loss & addiction. Klaine.  
Genre: Angst

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Blaine stared aghast at Kurt as Kurt ate – no, _inhaled_, - sixteen cupcakes, three cups of noodles, and an entire pizza by himself. Kurt was ravenously eating as if he hadn't eaten anything in days and now, Kurt was slouched over the counter with an entire tub of ice-cream, and was yet again _inhaling_ the food. Blaine was more-so surprised, as he looked over his clock, that this was all in a seventeen minute period that Kurt could consume so much food.

"Kurt, I think that's _enough_," Blaine said, slightly disgusted.

Kurt nodded towards him, looking too sick to even move, much less bring himself to go towards the bathroom. Blaine looked around as if to see if anyone else was following them. Blaine followed Kurt towards the stall, watching Kurt immediately kneel down to shove his fingers down his throat repeatedly, gagging on his knuckles as he threw up. Kurt threw up the white icing from the cupcakes first, and then Blaine watched Kurt having to bring his fingers towards his mouth to pull apart the noodles that he'd consumed. This was enough to cause Blaine feeling like he wanted to throw up.

"You know, this is my favourite toilet." Kurt muttered, as he stuck his fingers back up his throat.

"I don't even want to _know_ how you concluded that," Blaine responded, looking completely revolted as Kurt had to take a deep breath before shoving his fingers back in, once, twice, lubricating his knuckles and fingers with his saliva before pushing them inside of his mouth to make it hurt even less. Blaine was nearly green in the face as he stood there for the entire forty-nine minutes that it took for Kurt to purge the noodles and cupcakes. The pizza and ice-cream came up fairly easy, in less relative time than it took the noodles and the cupcakes, but by the time that Kurt was done, he'd turned to look at Blaine. "Why are you so disgusted? You'd do the same thing if it comes to this—"

Blaine pulled towards a teal ribbon on his wrist, just above his red one. "No. I won't."

Kurt laughed. "For Prada's sake, I never realised you wear bracelets like me even though I'm the Master of fashion." His eyes were suddenly deciphering what teal meant, something the back of his mind that was telling him something and then Kurt nearly bringing his mouth close to Blaine, causing him to shrink away.

"I have OCD," Blaine explained. "And I do not appreciate how _messy_ this is."

Kurt simply shrugged and then turned to flush the toilet, causing Blaine to sigh in relief. Kurt went back to the dorms, but Blaine wouldn't leave the bathroom, wiping away the sink with a moist towelette from a messenger bag he always carried, and then pulling out Dettol soap. He put his foot forward in ritualistic control, and then another one, before he opened the faucet – always with his right hand, watched the water sprinkle, as he felt the anxiety in him rise in his chest, pounding away here and there. Blaine pulled a dime-sized amount of Dettol in his hands, and then wiped away. Kurt bit down his lower lip, but had left him by then completely.

Blaine gasped out, as he looked down at his hands. _Filth. Filth. Filth. Filth_—"Kurt?" he looked around the emptiness as his fists hit the sink.

"I was here when you were purging, even though it _triggers_ me. Where…_where_ _are you_? Why _aren't_ you here? For me…?"

Blaine's lips were trembling as he grabbed a mound of his stomach. He shook. He slid his shirt up, inspecting, and then wondered how long it might take to wash away all the filth inside. "Where the hell are you, Kurt?"


	2. Blaine Berates

When Blaine had come back into the room about an hour later, certain heaviness was in his chest. He looked at Kurt, whom had probably disappeared off just because he had to pack his things and go back home in the weekend. Kurt was ready to leave to his parent's house for the night, everything packed away in his Chanel bag and Kurt was pulling down a nice white shirt, and then pulled a turquoise jacket over it. There was thousands of clothing articles clattered around the room. Blaine can only see Kurt changing in and out to see something that won't make him as fat as a house.

Kurt looked at the mirror, and then turned to the side to inspect himself.

"That shirt makes you look fat," Blaine suddenly pitched in.

"I _am_ fat, Blaine."

"Don't _I_ know it," Blaine rolled his eyes, obviously still slightly shaken up from Kurt's recent binge/purge that had left Kurt's stomach bloated. Kurt looked at him with hurt and wounded eyes. Blaine turned to Kurt's dresser. Kurt roomed in with Thad, whom had left home the minute the school bell had even initiated the start of the weekend. Blaine watched Kurt take off his shirt, and flinch, having Blaine see him in all bloat and vulnerability – turning to his side, and then pinching his air-packed stomach with disgust. It would go away in a few more minutes and it had always stayed bloated after a proper purge. His stomach hurt like Hell to be honest. Kurt watched Blaine pull a cotton black shirt that was a bit loose on him before pulling the turquoise jacket closer and then adding one of Kurt's maroon scarfs to sweeten the deal.

"You left me," Blaine whispered. "You left me all alone in that stupid bathroom."

Kurt didn't say anything for a while, as he looked at his body, in inspection.

"…I need to starve." Kurt mumbled.

"Like _you_ can _starve_," Blaine huffed, mind still full of the capacity that Kurt can really eat but then asked. "Are you willing to starve? Because if I do remember eloquently, Kurt, you were supposed to starve today, _not **steal** the Warbler's food and go on a rapid binge spree_!"

"You're just freakin' jealous that you have to stand there starving because you don't have the ability or the _courage_ to stick your fingers down your throat—"

"I have OCD! I can't stick my fingers down my throat. It's _gross_ and it's _disgusting_. I never told you I wanted to binge and purge. _You_ told _me_ you wanted to starve, and you didn't. _You didn't starve for me, Kurt_. You went on a rapid _binge spree_ because you skipped breakfast for _once_ in your life."

Kurt looked down at his feet. "I'm sorry."

Blaine wondered if it was the fact that he can't starve, or him being sorry for leaving him in the bathroom. Either way, Blaine's face softened considerably. "Give me your food journal."


	3. Icy Blaine

They silently exchanged food journals. Blaine had thought up this trick because if they'd done it on themselves, they'd rake up the damage. Kurt slowly looked over at Blaine, neat beautiful handwriting that was the same size with all of the margins. Sometimes, Kurt hated writing for Blaine for just that – Blaine's very neat handwriting that he insisted be the same on all pages. Kurt can now practically forge in Blaine's handwriting as he picked up one of the pens that lay on the bed, purple. Blaine used purple whilst Kurt used pink.

He watched the green ink tell him his desolation. How fat he really was. _16 43g cupcakes (2096), 3 60g noodles in cup (900), 12" 561g pizza (1446), 330g ice-cream (664)._ Kurt grimaced in disgust at the reality of his binge.

"That's 5,108 calories," Blaine said in pure astonishment. "810 grams of carbohydrates. 8,537 milligrams of sodium. 159 grams of fat, 66 of which are saturated—_KURT_! _How could you do this to me_? How do we fix _this_?" Blaine pouted towards him, suddenly clutching the battered black notebook way too tightly in his hands, the one with small white designs that were stripped across and blood-red flowers that Blaine insisted on getting him.

"I _purged_ it," Kurt said defensively. "Blaine, there are other ways than sticking to a calorie limit you know. You were standing there for an hour and a half. You saw how much food came out. You know that I've got it all under control."

"Yeah, you purged everything in _your favourite toilet_," Blaine said the last part with venom, and abhorrence.

Kurt flinched, and felt himself burn with pain. He didn't say anything though. He looked back down at Blaine's notebook, gripped the pink pen tighter and wondered if he can stab himself – or even Blaine – with the pencil. His eyes were clouded with agony. Blaine looked back at him. It was wrong, to make Kurt feel so bad just because he'd left him, using every single insecurity, knowing how those words were twisting into Kurt's mind –

"I needed you," Blaine whispered. "And you left. You always fucking leave, you _coward_."


	4. Blaine Advises

_can i get a little bit of response for this? a little? :3 please, review? it's sad just seeing one review for my little four chappies, eh? _

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Kurt couldn't say a single word. Kurt had handed back Blaine the notebook after he let the numbers sink in the paper. Blaine had only instantly on living on eight cups of medium drip through breakfast and lunch, bringing his intake to a mere sixteen calories. Kurt gave Blaine his notebook back. Before Kurt left, Blaine grabbed his wrist.

"Listen to me, Kurt. I…"

Kurt turned to look at Blaine.

"…I know you lost a bit of weight and all," Blaine had to admit, as Kurt looked at the mirror as Kurt can't see that he'd lost anything but he could feel all the weight he'd gained. He looked back at Blaine, whose eyes had darkened.

"They might notice. They might not, but I have to teach you something."

Blaine gestured towards the bedside and Kurt sat down beside him, as he cupped Kurt's face.

"There is nothing in the world that is _too thin_. It is _never_ enough. It will _never_ be enough, and no matter the praise, no matter anything, they are all lies said to you…too thin does not exist in our world, Kurt. You are _not_ perfect. You are _not_ enough."

Kurt's face nearly paled at Blaine's words. Cruel but true.

Blaine cupped Kurt's face gently. "I just want to help you, okay? I want to help you be _perfect_, beautiful…beautiful in my eyes. There is no too thin but I can make you _thin_, Kurt. I can help you, but _why_ are you pushing me away? I've always just wanted to help you!_ I told you the truth that nobody else wants to tell you_! I…I want to make you _beautiful_, Kurt. You know that, don't you?"

"You stayed with me when I purged."

Blaine looked at him.

"I left you."

Blaine didn't look at him.

"I believe you." Kurt then added on, voice soft.

"Good." Blaine smiled at him and then hugged him tightly. "Four hundred calories tomorrow. You won't lie to me, would you?"

Kurt shook his head and then kissed Blaine's nose. "No, sweetheart. I can't lie to you," Kurt then brought his lips to enclose the distance between his and Blaine's lips into a chaste kiss. That was it, as Blaine watched Kurt leave, feeling an emptiness inside him that was more than the hunger that was gnawing at the pitch of his stomach. Blaine suddenly stood up to brush his teeth, somehow thinking that he could still taste the vomit on Kurt's breath.


	5. Kurt Screws Up

_thank you, sweethearts for the feedback. and to AislingCrowe18, darling, a lot of this is actually pre-written with the exception of me going over it and rewriting some bits and if i make them large chapters, then by 17-18, they're going to be so short for impact. so they're short, short. :D and i'll make sure to update two days, or even every day if you guys are reading. more more more feedback? yes? make Sammy grin? :D_

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_Four hundred calories?_

Kurt had drastically screwed up. He'd been up for around two hours and had probably surpassed four hundred calories. He'd filled in his food journal and had realised that he was right. His consumption of a chocolate cake so far was about a thousand, eight hundred and eighty calories. The cake came up fairly easy, barely needing his fingers. When Blaine had called him, all Kurt could feel was an ache in his stomach that wasn't related to throwing up all the cake. "Kurt?" Blaine's voice was so innocent.

"…I screwed up."

"Kurt, you _promised_!" Blaine suddenly stated horrifically and those words punctured through Kurt's heart. "You _promised_. Can't you have one day of doing it right? Weigh yourself. Right now. I swear if you have gained one singular pound, I will _leave_ you—"

"No, don't. _Don't leave, Blaine_." Kurt's voice was hurried. If Blaine left, he would have no one.

"Scale. Now."

Kurt was about to weigh himself on the scale, but had taken off his clothing at first, and then stood up across the scale. Kurt was 5'10 and had weighed at around 167 last time he checked, a BMI of 24.0, too close to 24.9 to his liking, too close to fat and definitely not thin enough, _especially_ around Blaine. Kurt looked down, expecting to see a monstrous gain from the bloat in his stomach from the purge, and the fact that he'd consumed enough chocolate cake to make him gain, and that wasn't taking in the milk he used to purge.

"165.2."

"You _lost_ weight?" Blaine said, voice aghast. "Calculate your BMI."

Kurt knew that Blaine had a rigid system, weight, and BMI. Kurt sometimes wondered if it was a part of Blaine's OCD – Blaine was very systemic and always ate (or 'forgot' to eat at very _certain_ times of the day).

"23.7. That's three points down." Kurt said in near-glee, but then added on. "_Don't leave_."

"I won't," Blaine muttered, and now sounded rather doubtful. "Kurt…"

Blaine's voice was softer now. "I want to throw up too."

"Blaine," Kurt was pale. Knowing Blaine, if he learned how to purge, he wouldn't keep anything down and Blaine barely ate enough as it was. Kurt sometimes admired Blaine's self-discipline but other times he was scared of it when Blaine looked close to fainting or when Blaine could fall asleep for seventeen hours and not wake up. Blaine also had a very lucid obsession with cooking very calorie-filled recipes. This and Kurt's obvious bulimia made them the worst couple, yet the _best_. "Your OCD won't let you."

"I know," Blaine sounded lower now, like he suddenly hated his OCD just for that, that inability to make him throw up without feeling disgusting and filthy. Blaine can't face even thinking of watching Kurt do the same without spending nearly an hour in the bathroom trying to wipe it all off with his hands and compulsively brushing his teeth until the anxiety had calmed down. "But Kurt, you promised me you'd stick to four hundred." Those words punctured Kurt's heart again, promises – promises that he _always_ broke.

"You _promised_."


	6. Kurt Reflects

_For anyone reading "What Happens in Paris", what happened is that it was deleted by for the swear word I had in the summary, hence a lot of my summaries were changed around just so it won't happen again. I'll reupload it when I can :(. I'm not allowed to submit new stories for some time! BUT ANYWAYS- I AM SO LOVING THE FEEDBACK, I'M GETTING ON THIS. also, i finished the whole like story, so I'll be uploading them real quick now. :3 hopefully on a daily basis. _

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Kurt's head was full of lead. Blaine's voice repeating _those_ words again and again. "You _promised_."

Kurt could only take in a deep breath. "I'll try tomorrow, okay?" not a promise, he told himself. Not a promise. If he promised and it blew up again—

"Kurt." Blaine's voice was harder now, and his heart was beating in his chest. He _promised_.

"_I_ don't believe that. You keep on saying that. _Two days in a row_ right now."

"I promise," this time Kurt's voice was stern. There was a small silence before Kurt began speaking again, voice soft, images of his adorable Blaine pressing up against him, softly, and that feeling of delicacy and softness into his arms. Kurt could remember holding him, being held by him, _each other's comforts_. "I want you, Blaine. You're beautiful, you know that?"

"I'm disgusting and fat." Blaine snapped at him, voice full of disbelief, almost as if Kurt was mocking him, pulling him down and in that specific moment, Kurt wanted to do everything in his power to make Blaine feel otherwise, if only for that singular moment. "_Why_ are you lying to me? You of all people, Kurt—"

"I'm not lying to you," Kurt didn't mean to snap and hiss at him. "I can see how beautiful you are. You just can't. You're blind."

Those hazel eyes, that black hair, that soft skin—

Kurt wondered if all Blaine could see when he looked at him was how fat he was. Blaine was, completely, and utterly perfect to him, thin enough, sweet enough, lovely enough and the thing was, to Kurt, the first thing he remembered were those eyes, how they glittered, or that face, how it shone against sunlight. Blaine's weight was at the back of his mind, barely existing.

"I'm full of disgusting muscle," Blaine muttered under his breath, breaking Kurt out of his reverie and into broken, seeping reality. "So full of it. 147 pounds full of it." Blaine sounded so close to tears that it nearly broke Kurt's heart.

"Honey," Kurt's voice was soft. Kurt wished he could just take every singular thing he loved about him and then clatter it into Blaine's mind.

"I'm sorry," Blaine suddenly blurted out. "I'm so God-awful to you and on your case because you're fat, but I am too…"

Kurt stood there, just for that moment, wondering—_Blaine, Blaine, Blaine, you're perfect We're perfect. We don't need to lose anything anymore—we…need help…we…_Kurt opened his mouth again, but Blaine shot him down with those words that were like ice to Kurt's mind.

"Kurt," Blaine's voice was so hopeful. "…we can fix each other."

Kurt swallowed those words, feeling as if they'd weighed tons on his tongue. Kurt finally collapsed, sobbing uncontrollably. _You're broken. He's broken. Stop lying to yourself. He's not perfect. You're not perfect. He has to starve. You have to starve. You can fix each other. You can fix each other… _


	7. Blaine Begs

_to my lovely reviewer, UmPaDee, i actually **completely** agree with you that they can be OOC-ish, but this is to show the complete characteristic change that can come with an eating disorder (not saying that people have complete 90 degree flips when they have one, just that from what i notice, from the people around me, they do change how the person acts - they do become isolated, which is why Blaine and Kurt are main features of this fanfic). my own friend, a bouncy person, was very VERY irritable and was actually very sensitive when she had an ED. a lot of people are. especially if you mention their weight/body in any negativity. here. Blaine and Kurt's relationship is meant to highlight that kind of angst, the angst of changing but not realising it and also to highlight how controlling a person is with an ED. but thanks for pointing it out regardless and if i sounded rude, then i am sorry. i do not mean to. i'm just trying to explain my perspective of what i'm trying to capture since i actually deliberated wrote it that way and yes, it's meant to be sick. ^_^ thanks for all of you people's feedback! now. here's the next part. i'm been busy with graduation (tomorrow!) so really, i didn't update even though i actually have these written out for the most part. :)  
_

_the biggest part of this relationship that you have to notice is that Blaine/Kurt frequently insult or challenge each other's eating disorders, almost as if one is better than the other, ex: Blaine asking Kurt to stick to a limit and getting angry at him when he doesn't. sadly enough, people do think one disorder is more serious than the other when that is not the case most of the time because they all come with risks. okay, long author's note aside. _

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_You're both as broken as Hell_, Kurt's mind repeated again and again as he stopped sobbing.

"We can fix each other," Kurt repeated Blaine's voice, his voice broken, scratched, _lifeless_.

"You'll teach me how to purge, okay? You will, won't you?" Blaine said, voice slightly higher than normal, more hopeful—

Kurt broke. Finally. That was the last bit of it.

_You're too fucking broken to purge_.

"I don't know, Blainey…_seeing as you were just making fun of me for not having enough control_," Kurt's voice was now full of the venom that Blaine's only harboured minutes ago. Those words felt like acid ripping out of his throat, but he felt a certain thickness in his body that left with the words, making him empty again. Blaine told him empty was good. Empty was _good_. He felt _wrong_, playing with Blaine's emotions like this, but he needed to feel the pain too.

"That's enough. Show me you deserve me, Blaine. Go in that pantry, and eat yourself a slice of cake, and then try to purge it out."

_We're too broken for each other. _It was wrong. So wrong, but felt so right, so disgustingly right.

"Kurt…what-_what if I can't_? That's a 235 calorie slice, Kurt. I can't have something like that in my body. It's gonna turn to fat and make me even fatter. I can feel how fat I am, Kurt, _please_," Blaine was nearly begging at the end, causing Kurt to shut his eyes tightly, feeling remorse burning at the pitch of his stomach. "I can't do it. I-I don't have the _courage_."

Kurt took a deep breath. "You made me confront Karofsky, Blaine. _You_ told _me_ to have the _courage_ to do so."

_"Kurt, stop it_!" Blaine suddenly hissed, voice full of anger and hysteria.

"I THOUGHT I WAS THE COWARD, BLAINE—"

"Stop it, Kurt!" Blaine was visibly sobbing by now.

"Why not, Blaine? And I know for a fact that everything you own in that pantry is low-fat or non-fat, so I know that there's no way that even if you cut up a slice of cake, that it's gonna be 235 calories. Maybe even less than half that. What are you so scared of?"

"_Gaining weight, Kurt_! What else would I be scared of?" Blaine suddenly shot back. "_You,_ of all people, shouldn't ask me this."

"I know," Kurt's voice lowered significantly. "I'm just angry, okay? You keep pushing me to try and starve and starve when you _know_ I'm a bulimic. I can only starve for a little while before I decide to go piggy-piggy on your pantry, okay? You know this, Blaine. I'm sorry I _can't_be better for you."

"Yes, you can," Blaine objectified.

"_Sometimes_." Kurt finally admitted. "_Sometimes_, Blaine, but not most of the time. I've got only very few anorexic tendencies with me. I'm not fully anorexic, not like you."

"You can't call me an anorexic. I'm not thin enough." Blaine whispered, his shoulder shaking as he sobbed out.

"You are thin…to me." Kurt suddenly stopped. His memory of how Blaine fit him when they were cuddling close, and with every pound they lost, everything disappeared—Blaine didn't fit him anymore. He was too tiny in his arms nowadays.

"…it's not enough," Blaine echoed.

"But it's _never_ enough, Blaine, is it?" Kurt snapped back at those words, venomous as they spat back. "It's never enough…"


	8. Uncertain Blaine

Kurt breathed out. "It's never enough," he repeated.

"Well, being so fucking perfect, Blaine—I wonder what is _your perfect_ because _you're_ mine…you starve like it's noting and I've never ever seen anything _less than perfect_—"

"I binge too," Blaine's voice was lower now.

Kurt looked shocked as he clung to the phone tighter. "I've _never_ seen you binge in my life."

"It's just as bad as yours. Ever worse," Blaine's voice was humourless. "I'm scared that if I don't purge that cake, that I'd just go on a rampage on my kitchen and gain four pounds of water weight, okay? I don't need my Mother to be there, laughing at my lack of self-control. I can't take it. If they see me eat that much, they might even write me off as a binge eater."

"Blaine, listen to yourself."

Kurt wondered if his Mother would be standing there and then cupped his cheek with words of _you're finally eating, Blainey, you're finally eating something like a proper person_—because that was all that Kurt could see.

"No. Kurt, my Mother's 5'2. She's 120 pounds. How _fat_ am I next to her? I haven't taken a picture with my Mother in a very long time."

Kurt pursed his lips together. Blaine had never told him about his family, but sometimes, he let out slips like that – Kurt obviously knew Blaine and his Mother's relationship was distressed, with her making sure he'd eat everything when he was around. Kurt smiled softly at him, but he believed that all of this was a conjuration of Blaine's distorted senses.

"I'm gonna go binge and purge," Kurt suddenly sounded out, and could almost feel Blaine reach for his hand sanitizer. "The kitchen is calling. Nobody else in the house is awake yet and my Dad got new bread. And I promise. Tomorrow. You and me. Four hundred calories, okay?"

"Okay." Blaine said, sounding hopeless. He sighed. "Hey, _Kurt_…"

"—yeah?"

"…when…when you said I was perfect, did you really mean it?"

Kurt nodded even though Blaine can't see him then chuckled sadly, his voice unsteady. "_Pretty, pretty, please, don't you ever, ever feel like you're less than perfect…pretty, pretty, please, if you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, you're perfect to me…"_

Kurt shut off the phone, stared down at his hands. "I am so sorry, baby," before he spent the next five minutes demolishing an entire loaf of warm bread and at least half a pint of milk, and then running upstairs, taking twelve minutes to purge out all of the bread. It was obviously a good purge. Everything was so white and disgusting coming out though with a bit of brown on top. Some of the cake that he didn't purge out a while ago. Carole had woken up by then and had made breakfast. Kurt sighed and pretended to eat normally and healthily, berating Finn for eating cookies that Kurt knew he would binge on later.


	9. Hurt Blaine

Blaine had called and said he wanted to shift their restrictive four hundred calorie day when both of them were together. Kurt knew it was because he wanted to feel just a bit closer to him since they'd be both restricting and he can't if it was a day on a weekend. So that Monday morning, when he'd woken up, he was nearly shocked to see Blaine lying down on the twin bed in place of where Thad was supposed to be. Switching roommates was possible, and Thad liked Blaine enough to offer up the switch. This made Kurt bite his lip in horror, knowing that the Warblers were blame themselves when they realised the lead singer they worshipped so much barely put anything in his mouth.

Kurt arched back, feeling the gnawing sharp pain in his stomach. _Purge_. Whenever Kurt purged, it was a curse that he'd wake up with this disgusting sharp pain in his stomach after a very good purge. Sometimes, it was only minutes after he'd purged, other times it was the reason he woke up before the scheduled alarm on his clock. Kurt shut off his alarm. After a few moments of lying in bed and mentally telling himself to get up, he accidentally had fallen asleep.

Kurt had found Blaine staring at him when he'd woken up, causing Kurt to nearly yelp in his skin. "Blaine."

Blaine's hand had pushed up the sleeve of Kurt's Dalton blazer, now trailing his finger up a new, fresh cut. "What's this for?"

Kurt looked at the cut, deep, and had been carved in rigidly with his razorblade. Blaine literally was the only one who knew about the bulimia, depression and the cutting that had plagued Kurt, so Kurt had often believed every word that slid out of Blaine's mouth due to it. He knew him better than anyone else did after all. Sometimes, Kurt wondered on how he could let a stranger in, but then again, he'd pointed towards his ribbons when he'd first saw Blaine, his purple, blue and black ribbons when they were sipping coffee with Wes and David. They only thought that Blaine and Kurt seemed to have an obsession with ribbon-bracelets, but Blaine knew the truth. The purple one was for bulimia, the blue one for depression and the black one indicated that Kurt was a cutter.

Blaine had his own set, red and teal. Red for anorexia and teal for panic disorders, OCD or anxiety – in his case, OCD. Kurt suddenly tried to remember. "My Father and stepbrother were watching the game. I got irritated and cut. It's stupid."

Blaine ran his finger across the cut, and then he looked broken, depressed even. "I don't _like_ it, Kurt."

Kurt suddenly cupped Blaine's cheek and kissed his it.

"Kurt," Blaine's voice was full of fear right now. "…you won't ever have to do one of these because of me, right?"

"Never," Kurt promised. Blaine looked down at his lap as Kurt kissed Blaine's lips softly. Kurt had talked to Mercedes over the weekend and they'd convinced him to go back to McKinley. Today was Kurt and Blaine's last day together, but Blaine didn't know that as of yet. "I'm going back."

"McKinley?"

Kurt nodded in confirmation.

"But Kurt, _he bullies you_!" Blaine suddenly huffed out in a voice full of revulsion.

"They took care of him," Kurt muttered.

Blaine looked at Kurt, shaking his head. "A few days ago, you were begging _me_ not to leave _you_ and I didn't, Kurt. You _can't_ leave me."

Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine's body, which was considerably small Kurt had mused to himself, feeling a pang of envy.

"I slept in this room to be _close_ to you," Blaine softly whispered.

"We've got today." Kurt smiled warmly. "I'll do good today. Like I said I would. I promised."

Blaine nodded numbly as if Kurt's words weren't phasing through him.

"Why do you always leave me?" Blaine whispered under his breath.

Kurt didn't answer as he cupped Blaine's cheek, and tears sprung to his eyes. "I have to, Blainey. You can't have me here all the time."

"But…but…" Blaine was stammering.

"Courage, right?"

Blaine shut his eyes, apparently hating his own words being used against him as he nodded. "Fucking courage," Blaine mumbled brokenly under his breath. "Of course."


	10. Kurt Watches

_Restrict, restrict, restrict for Blainey._

Kurt had skipped breakfast and by the lunch hour was starving, so he'd bought an apple for him and Blaine, whom was staring at the tags that ready how much the fruit weighed. Blaine had quickly written it down and then pulled his head up against the apple before taking a tentative bite from it. What took Kurt five minutes to eat whilst he was trying to muster up all the time to enjoy it, had taken Blaine a good hour of eating as they circled around the school yard. "That's 88 calories," Kurt interjected. That was _good_.

Kurt knew from heart that Blaine would rather throw himself off a cliff than consume more than two hundred calories before 6PM. And then he let dinner take up the rest where he definitely had to have Warbler dinner with them. Kurt could count Blaine's excuses of having nearly twelve different allergies, and also had once mentioned his medication didn't agree with him on certain types of food. He'd also used his avid pescatarianism to get out of many situations.

Kurt and Blaine were now moving towards Warbler practice, where to their shock, the Warblers had prepared a '_We're Gonna Miss You, Warbler Kurt'_ sign on the mantel, written in Kurt's favourite colours of periwinkle and mauve. Kurt hadn't expected this at all and Blaine was paling three hundred shades at the food that was in front of them. Kurt felt his phone buzz and pulled out the iPhone from his pocket.

_Blaine: control. I can't control myself like this._

_Kurt: Blaine, it'll be okay._

Kurt had stuck to his promise, only taking very small bites from his cake, not finishing the two hundred and thirty-five calorie piece whilst Blaine had consumed anything within arm's reach – no doubt Blaine was doing the mental calculations in his head just as fast as Kurt was: _six cupcakes (786), two slices of cake (470), three cheese croissants (1110), 15 pieces of fudge (1050). _By the time that he was done, Thad had clapped a hand on Blaine's shoulder. "Calm down there, Blainey. Food's not gonna disappear…did you gain weight?"

_No!_

Kurt disappeared after Blaine whom had courageously put on a brave face for a few moments, then had decided to go 'do some homework', giving Kurt a quick hug and a chaste kiss and then leaving.

One thought was plaguing through Kurt's mind. _I'm not gonna leave you._


	11. Blaine's Demons

_now that all of my college drama is slightly over with [i have just a bit more left], i can update more. i just get so easily discouraged with a lack of reviews, but i do have amazing readers. :)_

* * *

_Filthy. Filthy. Filthy._

Blaine gasped out loud, as he grabbed his stomach, full of air-packed bloat. _Fat. Disgusting. Ugly. Fat Disgusting Ugly Fat Disgusting Ugly FAT DISGUSTING UGLY FILTHY FILTHY FILTHY FAT MARRING YOUR BODY, BLAINE_.

Blaine wrapped his arms around himself, shaking.

_How come I'm so fragile when I feel so big? _

Blaine grabbed his stomach, air-tight stomach. _Disgusting DISGUSTING DISGUSTING – how can Kurt look at you?_

Blaine grabbed a fistful of his hair. His messy hair. His non-gelled hair because he was sweating so goddamn much. What a mess. What a mess. What a fucking mess—

_FAT DISGUSTING UGLY FAT DISGUSTING UGLY FAT FAT FAT FAT BLAINE—_

Blaine could not cut, or else his OCD will spiral him towards the bathroom. He could not purge, or else his OCD will spiral him towards the sink.

He could do nothing but let the _filthy, filthy, filthy calories become fat in his body_—

This was all he'd ever be good in. This was all he'd ever be. Fat. Fat. Fat. Blaine's mind was reeling—

_So what? So what if you're fat?_

Blaine could never answer, but all he knew was that that word was so dangerously what he did not want to be. No matter what. He didn't know why _but he could not be fat. _He would rather be dead than fat. Blaine curled up to a ball again, feeling vulnerable, weak, but too fat to be either of them.

"Blaine?"

Was that Kurt?

_He's going to leave you. He's going to leave you. He will leave you. You are nothing to him. Just watch. Nothing will make him stay. You will be alone and fat and die alone and fat._

Blaine balled his fist.

_No! Kurt won't ever hate me….Kurt won't leave me. Not after that. He won't leave me when I'm so hurt. He won't. We're together. We're together and we're broken and we're going to fix each other. _

_He won't leave me… _


	12. Blaine's Pain

Kurt followed Blaine back into the room where Blaine was pulling laxatives from Kurt's stash and consuming them like they were candy.

Kurt pulled the white roll of laxatives away from Blaine's self-destructing clutches. "You can't eat that many, Blainey, okay? You'll throw them up. It defeats the purpose of having any laxatives."

Blaine stayed stoic as he curled up into a ball. He looked so damn vulnerable, on the edge of tears. "Kurt. Don't look at me like _this_."

Kurt cupped Blaine's cheek and then kissed his tears away. "Don't cry over this, Blainey. Thad isn't worth it."

_"He called me fat."_

Kurt knew those weren't Thad's exact words and he'd be damned if the Warblers can tell bloat weight from real weight. If they'd touched his stomach, they'd know it was just pure bloat. Blaine barely ate, so when he did consume so much, it all settled in his stomach with a ton of air for that day until he'd go off to the bathroom, hence the laxative abuse.

"I'm disgusting," Blaine muttered.

"Blaine."

"You're gonna leave me anyway, what's the point of anything?" Blaine whispered. "With people who don't understand us…Kurt."

Kurt's eyes were on Blaine's wrist, Blaine whom had left the teal ribbon forgotten purposely on the dresser today, almost as if _this_ was his only problem—

That was when Kurt realised what had initiated that binge.

It wasn't _real_ hunger. It was _emotional_ hunger.

Through Blaine screaming at him, through Kurt constantly failing him, through thick, and thick, and pain and horror—

Kurt crouched down to Blaine, as he looked into those broken hazel eyes. Kurt suddenly realised. "You…_you don't want me to leave you." _

Blaine shook into Kurt's arms, as he turned to look at Kurt, with eyes that were close to burn tears. "You're not gonna leave me, right? Right?"

"Blaine…"

Blaine was shaking in his arms too hard right now, head in his Kurt's shoulder. "They don't understand us, Kurt." Kurt could feel hot tears burn into his shirt. "They don't understand _me_…"

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	13. Kurt Leaves

"You're not gonna leave me, right? _Right_?"

Blaine had reduced to tears, and then into uncontrollable sobs. When Kurt didn't respond to Blaine's question, Blaine had started to berate – himself.

"I know, Kurt…I-I failed you," Blaine whispered softly.

"I ate all of that gross, disgusting food. I'm _filthy_." Blaine twitched; saying that word aloud was sending him all kinds of triggers. The fact that Blaine didn't move made Kurt more horrified.

"Blaine," Kurt's voice was soft. "Blaine, honey, no. You can never, _ever_ fail me."

"I ate it all, Kurt! All of that! In front of them. You have the _decency_ to not binge in front of everyone you know," Blaine suddenly explained, and then Kurt took Blaine's face in. "Do you even want me anymore? Do you? I'm not perfect enough, Kurt."

"But we will be, right?"

"Kurt," Blaine's voice was strained. "I lost it."

Kurt bit down his lower lip and kissed his forehead, hating seeing Blaine so down. Blaine had started crying again, hot tears burning into Kurt's shirt, until Blaine had fallen asleep.

When Blaine woke up, he could only feel the everlasting bloat. He turned to look around the darkened room. His eyes lit with broken realisation.

"You left me." Blaine whispered.

Blaine did the first thing he could, grabbing a fitful of the bloat again.

"I'm disgusting." Blaine laughed to himself. He could not cry anymore. "Filthy. Fat. Disgusting Blaine. Who wants you?"

A shaky hand was brought to Blaine's cheek, his own hand cupping his cheek –

"You are going to die alone and fat." Blaine grumbled to himself. _ALONE AND FAT ALONE AND FAT ALONE AND FAT—you disgusting little whore, full of filth—_

In the car, driving, Kurt could feel his arms shake. The first thing he did when he stepped home was smell Carole's cheesy bake pasta. He could eat it all. He could purge it. It won't matter. It would be the same, except he couldn't, because he promised Blaine to stick to four hundred today.

That night, he did cut – not _because_ of Blaine. He let himself bleed _for_ Blaine. He'd gone on the day with just four hundred calories, and it killed him on the inside. He was starved, feeling hungry, and he felt empty in bed that night, knowing that Blaine had nobody to cradle and comfort him.

"I stuck to four hundred, Blaine," Kurt said, to nothing in particular. "Like I _promised_."

Kurt was nearly shaking as he remembered.

_"And you left. You always fucking leave, you _coward_."_

* * *

_to **karmakameleon16**, yes, the unhealthy side of Klaine is addictive. AND YES. they are projecting the hatred (and indirectly, also their fears) of themselves towards each other a lot in this fanfic and they do believe that by doing that, they're helping each other's weights/etc. __to **LeBeauAJ**, i am LOVING your responses, just seeing them shift from this chap to that. it's gorgeous! _

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	14. Blaine's Limit

Kurt Hummel had returned back to school and gave Mercedes a quick hug when he'd seen her. He hadn't heard from Blaine yet and he assumed that it was because Blaine was still upset.

_Then he saw Blaine._

All happy and elated. Kurt wondered if Blaine wanted to yell at him for leaving and just didn't want to scream in front of the Warblers.

He did none of that.

Blaine sung to him.

The Warblers decided to do an impromptu performance. Kurt was simply glad for Blaine that the Dalton blazer hid the bloat that may last only past 2PM. By tomorrow, Blaine's stomach would be perfectly flat again, not that either conditions showed when he wore that blazer.

Blaine had approached him with _Somewhere Only We Know_; Kurt thought it was quite fitting towards the situation. Blaine's eyes on Kurt's bracelets and attire.

After the Warblers were leaving, Blaine grabbed Kurt's wrist.

Kurt stared at Blaine's face. "Gym. After school."

He expected Blaine to scream at him, tell him that he left him, that—

Blaine nodded softly. His voice was soft, "Okay."

They'd meet in the gym. Go on a treadmill. Pretend that everything between them was okay, because if they didn't, how would they be here for each other? Thirty minutes of running. Blaine stopped in the middle and Kurt was still pacing. Blaine had sat down. Kurt looked angry after he'd finished his run whilst he stared at Blaine, who'd sat down.

"You still had eight minutes." Kurt muttered.

_Kurt, really? You left him and now, you're pushing him over the edge? _

"…I was gonna faint," Blaine weakly responded, as he drank his bottle of water.

"It's not _enough_." Kurt snapped at him. Exercise was Kurt's domain now. Kurt was a compulsive one in fact, a part of his bulimia that seemed to manifest. Blaine knew this, but he wasn't as strenuous as Kurt was most of the time. Often making up excuses such as he was unable to, and that he was going to faint. Kurt huffed in response. "You ate enough for a village yesterday, Blaine and you did nothing about it – you will finish that round. _It's not good enough!"_

"…you left me."

Kurt didn't say anything. Blaine got up that treadmill again., pulling on that same incline again. When Kurt got off, the first thing he'd done was turn to a panting Blaine, "See? That wasn't so bad, was—?"

Kurt watched as Blaine's body gave out on him, as Blaine finally fainted into Kurt's arms.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	15. Blaine Fainted

He fainted.

Kurt looked down as he panted. _Blaine fainted_. Into his arms.

Kurt just realised how pale his cheeks right about now, and Kurt was shaking. Kurt laid Blaine in the back of his hair, laying a hand on his sweaty hairline.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Blaine ate yesterday. This—

_Did he eat the day before? Or the month after? How long had Blaine been starving himself, Kurt? How long?_

Kurt turned and placed his keys in the ignition. The soft rumble of the car was ear-shattering to him, as he wondered if Blaine was still breathing.

_That's insane. He won't be dead, Kurt._

What if he was?

_Sorry, Mrs Anderson. I was letting your son starve. He wanted to get thinner every single day of his life. He also watched me throw up. His OCD is worse than you think it is. If he eats something that is remotely unhealthy, he cries himself to sleep – even if it's within his calorie limit for the day._

Kurt took a deep breath. Blaine was alive. He had to—

_You left him, you disgustingly fat whore._

Kurt shut his eyes, but then snapped it open to pay attention to the road.

"Kurt?"

Kurt's lips were shaking. "Blaine."

"Thirty minutes of running, Kurt. I can't run for thirty minutes."

"Yeah," Kurt didn't mean to sound so cold. He didn't know what else to do. Kurt turned to look at Blaine, whom had fainted again. Kurt was sure right now that needed something in his body right now from how ridiculously pale he looked like.

When Kurt carried him into his house, his heart sunk. Blaine? 147 pounds? Maybe less right now. Probably.

Kurt laid Blaine on the couch, running his hand through his hair softly and then kissing his forehead. Kurt stared at him. Pale. Pale. Pale. So damn pale. "Is that—is that Blaine from the Warblers?" Kurt turned to look at Finn, whom was standing there with a wide expression. "Is he dead?"

"He's…hypoglycaemic," Kurt was sure that wasn't even a lie. "His blood sugar levels are really, _really_ low."

Carole had scared him when she spoke. "Aw, bless his heart," she looked at Blaine lying down there, and he knew she could see how pale he really was. "I'll make him something to eat—"

Kurt's mind was remembering Blaine in his arms, sobbing, crying, crying because he ate too much. He remembered Carole's dinner of easy bake pasta just a day ago. Blaine would—Blaine would shatter if he had to—

"_No_!" Kurt screamed out.

Carole was staring at him strangely, as Kurt just realised what he'd said…

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	16. Kurt Understands

"Honey, why…why not?" Carole asked.

Kurt looked at the small Blaine.

Blaine would hate him for _that_.

"Blaine's…" Kurt tried to make up a lie on the spot. Something to validate him protesting.

"…allergic to a lot of things…when he wakes up, I'll make sure he eats something that won't make him break out in hives or something," Kurt added on, trying to recover from how abruptly he'd declined Carole's offer.

Carole frowned. "If you say so, Kurt. Make sure he does eat something for me though."

Oh thank Prada.

Kurt nodded his head.

_Blaine… _

It took too long for Blaine to wake up. When he woke up, he looked broken. Confused even. Kurt couldn't believe how guilty he'd felt all along as Blaine slowly opened his eyes to stare up at Kurt.

"Kurt?" Carole reminded him. "Kurt, you have to make sure your friend eats something."

Kurt nodded his head, staring at Blaine with apologetic eyes. He turned around and tried to find one of Blaine's safe foods. At the end, Kurt had managed to give Blaine a bowl of soup, which was around 142 calories. Minestrone soup. Kurt liked the smell. It was heavenly. He'd made some for both of them.

Kurt couldn't believe how much paler Blaine had gotten when he walked back. He looked like a ghost.

Blaine opened his mouth to speak. Kurt was ready for Blaine to berate him again—

"You're doing really good," Blaine whispered, as he ate his bowl of soup slowly.

Kurt's heart burned into his chest. Blaine was…complimenting him. Kurt tried to slow down his own pace of drinking the soup, but it was extremely difficult not to drink it all up in five minutes and purge it out.

Finn had offered Blaine all of his candy but Blaine shook his head.

"Shouldn't like people with low blood sugar eat something with a tonne of sugar in it?"

"I thought so too…" Carole responded.

"Oh, I can't find anything else that won't bother Blaine's digestive system, so I just decided that giving him anything to eat is better than sending him to Dalton without anything in his system. I'm sure the Warblers would shove gluten-free dairy-free cupcakes down his throat." Kurt joked whilst Carole slowly nodded her head, and Kurt stared back at Blaine whose eyes were muttering a silent 'thank you'.

"You understand me," Blaine whispered.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	17. Blaine Realises

_Blaine, you fainted._

_Blaine, you fainted._

_BLAINE YOU FAINTED—_

When they'd left, Kurt was driving Blaine to Dalton. There was too much silence around them. Kurt was thinking and it was burning at the pitch of his stomach. Blaine fainted on him today. Blaine—

"You didn't eat anything before we got on the treadmill." Kurt concluded.

Blaine chuckled. "That's bothering you?"

The pain twitching into Kurt's heart made him slowly nod.

"I want to be thin, Kurt. I have to, you know, _starve_?" Blaine reminded him.

Blaine then had gotten defensive. "I should be angry at you. You nearly killed me—"

"I was _helping_ you," Kurt hissed, not wanting to admit he was just as wrong.

He refused to. His hands gripped on the wheel. "We're here to help _each other_. You let me down, you know? That fall proved you weren't enough to handle thirty minutes. Blaine, I can go on for hours. _You've seen me go on for hours_."

Blaine was silent. "…I…I know." His voice was in a mere whisper.

Kurt stared back at the road. He wanted to tell him otherwise, but he can't right now.

"This is why you left me, right? Because I wasn't enough for you?"

Kurt's heart was thudding in his chest. "Blaine…"

"Kurt…"

"It's _never_ enough, Blaine," Kurt repeated Blaine's words, knowing they'd probably cut him deeper than they've cut Kurt.

He watched Blaine stagger inside of the Dalton hall, and he heard him loudly say he ate dinner with Kurt and that was why he was late. Kurt bit down his lower lip. Blaine had barely eaten that day except for that singular can of soup.

Kurt took a deep breath and drove off. Why was he so damn overprotective when Blaine restricted? Kurt would do it in a heartbeat too if he had Blaine's control.

At home, Burt had walked in when Kurt was preparing himself a huge bowl of carby cereal, and was eating a large cinnamon roll.

_Why not? You already ruined Blaine. Might as well ruin yourself._

He mentally cursed his Father for coming in when he was binging. He took a cup of milk and sneaked out of the kitchen and went with his way towards his bedroom balancing his cup of milk and his bowl of cereal. He ate everything through and through, and purged it all out just as efficiently, except this time it took considerably longer than usual for a cinnamon roll and a bowl of cereal.

At Dalton, Blaine looked down at his vitamins tablets, checking in for calories, before plopping in his vitamins. Blaine had kept on rechecking as if the label would change. He checked the label three times, and then rearranged it around his room three times, hating the feel of change around him as he found a place that didn't clash it with its surroundings.

Blaine smiled, and then lay down on his bed. He felt weak and fatigued and it disgusted me when he knew that Kurt really could go on for hours on that treadmill and still be okay but he can't.

Thad sat down and looked at him, with a weird expression on his face. "Blaine?"

Blaine pretended to be asleep. Kurt could go on for hours on a treadmill. His body could do nothing. His body was stupid…_he was stupid_.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	18. Blaine's Condition

Kurt Hummel was in the grocery shop when he bumped into Blaine the next time.

He had an entire cart full of binge food he intended on eating in spans of merely hours, when Blaine was still staring at bread and comparing calories for what looked like too long before putting it back on the shelf again and then comparing them again, as if rechecking obsessively.

"Blaine," Kurt drew out softly.

"What is all of _that_?" Blaine suddenly said, eyes wide with horror as he looked over the giant mountain of food that Kurt had in the plastic cart. "Kurt, that's enough to feed my _family_ for a _month_."

"I will eat it over several hours," Kurt mumbled.

Blaine looked like he was going to faint. "Do you know how many _calories_ are in _that_?"

"Yes," Kurt murmured. "I've vaguely aware of how much of a fatass I am, Blaine. At least I haven't been standing there for hours only comparing different bread brands and making sure the nutritional information of some of the food I want to buy hasn't changed…six times over."

Blaine bit down and picked one off the shelf again. It had taken him another sixteen minutes before putting the bread in the basket. Kurt simply sighed erratically.

Then there was that silence.

"How much are you going to eat today?" Kurt asked, wondering as Blaine pulled down his shirt as if it was going to hide him even more. Just that action made Kurt realise that Blaine's shirt was very baggy and so were his pants. They were purposely bought sizes larger than his own.

"Three hundred calories." Blaine answered softly.

Kurt didn't miss the hint of fear that Kurt would criticise him for it, almost as if Kurt wasn't holding a mountain full of food in his cart and was a star restrictor.

And the silence, so Kurt broke it—

"Don't drink so much coffee, okay?" Kurt suddenly said, blushing deeply. "It makes you real anxious and you start acting like a total bitch, especially since you're not eating anything with it."

Blaine cocked his head to one side. "But I'm afraid if I don't have it, I'll binge, Kurt. I don't have _any_ self-control in me." Now, he looked vulnerable. Now, Kurt wanted to hurt him—

Kurt was staring at him, astonished. Blaine had one bad day in all of the time that Kurt had known him to be starving himself senseless and now, he thought he was a complete failure. "Did you sleep yesterday?"

Blaine shook his head.

"I can see it in your eyes. You get _paler_ too."

Blaine shut his eyes as if trying to avoid that fact. "Okay."

_Blaine, what the hell happened to you when I left—?_

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	19. Broken Blaine

Blaine looked away from him, exchanging loaves again as he bit down his lower lip. Kurt watched him finally decide on fifty-calorie per slice bread and then place it tentatively in his red basket.

"Okay. Bye, Kurt," Blaine whispered just as he was going to leave.

Kurt grabbed his hand. "Blaine."

Blaine looked back up at him; _those tired eyes killed him_—

Kurt sighed. "I'll weigh in before I binge. We haven't weighed in in a while. Okay?"

Blaine looked suddenly horrified, as if the binge he'd had nearly a week ago would show up on the scales. _What the hell happened to you, Blainey?_

Kurt went to pay for his food. He did not stare at Blaine, whom went back to exchanging loaves of bread and compare nutritional information.

He weighed himself when he'd gotten home, and waited for Blaine to call him before he binged.

It had taken another hour, and Kurt wondered if Blaine had bought more than five items in those morning hours he'd spent in the supermarket trying to get food.

"Okay. I'm gonna get on right now," Blaine's voice was soft, and he had slammed the door, indicating he was home. Kurt loved weekends like this. Kurt had then heard Blaine walk up the stairs. "Stats?"

"163.4." Kurt responded. "BMI. 23.4."

Blaine could hear Blaine unzip his pants. Kurt wondered why he felt so hard. "Do you want to get something for that? You know? A..a… _reward_?"

"For how I'm doing? …coffee? I can die for a non-fat mocha right now." Kurt explained.

"I _need_ a medium drip." Blaine sighed as Kurt heard Blaine get on his scale.

He heard nothing but silence after that.

"Blaine?" his voice was soft.

"142.7." Blaine muttered under his breath. "Gimmie a minute. I'll calculate my BMI…"

Kurt nodded as if Blaine could see him. Kurt was numb. He wondered how Blaine felt like right now. He wanted to embrace him—

"21.7," Blaine explained after a while.

"I'd say we deserve that coffee. Lima Bean?"

_I need to see you. We haven't seen each other in so long… _

Kurt wondered if he was supposed to praise Blaine. To be honest, he was just disgusted at himself for weighing more than Blaine right then. True, if he could starve himself, he'd lose more.

When Kurt and Blaine had met up, Kurt could suddenly see that Blaine was thinner now that he'd told him he'd lost weight. His cheeks were visibly thinner.

Kurt had ordered for them and had given Blaine his medium drip, knowing Blaine couldn't be deterred to have anything else if Kurt tried to tell him it was just coffee. To Blaine, it was _'just coffee with a ton of calories and whipped cream'_.

Blaine laid his head on Kurt's shoulder. "Are you really gonna eat _all of that _when you go home?"

"I'm gonna purge it, Blaine," Kurt hissed back in a low whisper.

Kurt waited for Blaine to tell him otherwise, that he needed to starve—

Blaine simply nodded his head, looking broken as he whispered a soft "Okay."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	20. Kurt's State

"Okay?"

Blaine looked up at him and now Kurt could see—

Blaine still looked mildly disgusted.

Kurt then felt Blaine hold his hand tightly, pressing his head against Kurt's shoulder despite some nasty glares that made Kurt tell them "he's my brother" defensively, but most people knew either Kurt Hummel or Blaine Anderson enough to know that they were both gay.

In two minutes, Kurt would have Blaine against his shoulder. Blaine had finally fallen asleep and Kurt had to carry him again, realising he was making a habit of it. Kurt had taken him back to his car, watching Blaine with eyes half-open, too tired to stay awake—

"No," Kurt muttered. "I'm not gonna eat everything I bought today."

Blaine smiled, and then had drifted back to sleep.

Kurt realised in that moment then on that despite their disgusting quarrels sometimes, Kurt liked making Blaine happy and Blaine was happy when Kurt restricted like him.

Kurt was just able to go that day without binging on the food he'd gotten.

The second it hit 12AM, Kurt had made it his mission to spend an all-nighter from 12 to 7, just binging and purging.

He called Blaine in the middle of the night. "I'm binging right now. I'm gonna go purge and then eat more again. So I can purge."

Blaine did not say anything. He was there when Kurt was purging. Kurt could hear Blaine's fingers scratch his own skin—

Then Blaine heard it.

Kurt would grab onto that sharp something and then he'd heard the sound of it running across his skin, cutting it. Kurt could hear Blaine sobbing on the other end. Kurt switched the dull blade, and ran the sharper blade down his hand.

"Come on, Blainey. Tell me. I know what you're thinking—I left you. I deserve this."

Blaine's sobs broke Kurt's heart. "N-n-n-no."

Kurt's blade dug deeper.

"_KURT_!"

"I have to do this, Blainey," Kurt said, voice now empty.

"I said I wouldn't binge. I said I wouldn't purge. And guess what?" He laughed at the end. "_I did."_

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	21. Blaine's Hope

_i truly am in love with the response i'm getting from this to be honest. it is completely amazing. even if one of you drops me a note here and there, i love it. ^_^_

* * *

The next day in Glee, Kurt sat down through and through and watched Rachel get her solos. He did not think of the cuts underneath his thick black sweater. He waited for Mercedes to tell him that his sweater was wrong and unfashionable.

She did not.

Walking out of Glee, Blaine was standing there in front of him with wide, gleeful eyes. Kurt realised it was the first time Blaine ever looked happy in a long time after Kurt had left—

"Blaine?" Kurt whispered.

Blaine nodded his head. "I have…I have to show you something."

Kurt was led into the nearest bathroom. Blaine shut the bathroom door tight. The Glee kids would have ran for home the minute that Glee ended.

"Look at _this_." Blaine enthusiastically called out, as he unbuttoned his Dalton blazer, and then pulled up the now loose shirt.

"Is that—?" Kurt ran a hand up Blaine's chest in near-worship.

Kurt noticed that practically all of Blaine's muscles were starved off one way or another, and in honestly, Kurt wondered if all the weight that Blaine had dropped had been muscle weight so far.

Blaine nodded.

"Your ribcage," Kurt muttered, able to feel Blaine's bone underneath his skin and even faintly see his ribcage.

It was small but to Blaine, it was enough to excite him. "But it's only a _little_, right? It's not enough, Blaine. It's not _enough_."

Blaine nodded, now looking like Kurt rained on his parade. Blaine's enthusiasm had disappeared as he nodded.

"It's an _improvement_," Kurt tried to remind Blaine that he wasn't where he wanted to be at yet.

Blaine nodded, now looking miserable.

Kurt cupped Blaine's cheek and then kissed him softly. Blaine mechanically responded to the kiss.

Kurt pushed up Blaine's shirt completely, throwing it off him which was easy since it was big on him and then pulled him to the mirror. "Look."

Blaine suddenly stared down at his stomach. He cupped the skin on his thighs and then flinched when they wobbled.

"I'm disgusting." Blaine muttered.

Kurt flinched at Blaine's harsh criticism as Blaine looked at Kurt. "I'm sorry I had to ruin your day, Kurt."

Kurt suddenly looked at him with the softest expression he could muster. "I was just _helping_ you."

Blaine nodded and then this time, he'd kissed Kurt. "I know." Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine's waist and brought him closer.

"Come on. Let's leave. I want to make out with my boyfriend in the backseat," Kurt joked, and then took Blaine's hand, trying not to really notice that Blaine's mood was severely dampened by Kurt's words. He looked sad again.

Kurt had felt furious at himself—and at Blaine, because he really was simply telling him the honest truth. Blaine tried. Blaine got results, but Blaine wasn't _thin enough_.

Blaine would _never_ be thin enough.

Kurt had Blaine on top of him as he kissed him in their backseat. When Kurt had placed a hand on Blaine's hip and then was met by hipbones, Kurt couldn't muster the jealousy – nor the alarm – as he leaned in closer to enclose the distance between their lips.

This was the only way they could love each other.

_This_.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	22. Blaine's Fear

"Prom's coming up soon. I—I want to take you, Blaine."

Blaine shut the phone.

"Blaine?" Kurt's heart pounded.

Blaine called back after seventeen minutes.

"Okay."

Kurt Hummel knew that Blaine was going to do something very drastic, like probably go on a two hundred calorie diet or something until then—_Sadie Hawkins Dance, Sadie Hawkins Dance, Sadie Hawkins_ _Dance_, those words in Kurt's mind when he thought of Blaine and Blaine in prom.

Four days in, Kurt called to ask if Blaine was doing anything different—

"Yeah, one hundred and fifty calories."

Kurt wondered if it was jealousy or worry that was burning in his stomach.

Blaine sighed softly. "It's so hard to pick between two apples or Fiber One…do you think I can get under 140 pounds for prom?"

"…don't get too hopeful here," Kurt muttered, almost feeling that on such a strict diet Blaine would somehow binge after a while.

Five and six pounds were possible to be lost in a week. Hell, even above seven or eight pounds was possible in what Blaine was doing but Kurt wasn't sure if Blaine would really stick with a hundred and fifty calories when he had classes.

Dalton was very, very hard in terms of its academics and Blaine was an IB student. He simply wondered what this might mean for his boyfriend that had fainted in his arms after thirty minutes of exercise.

He almost knew with a heavy heart that Blaine had consumed all his calories for breakfast for his morning classes, and maybe even skipped dinners with the Warblers.

This would cause _them_ to be worried. Maybe Blaine would feign a cold.

"How are you getting this past the Warblers? Their dinners?"

"I haven't been sleeping well…I used that as an excuse to skip dinner." Blaine explained.

"Oh. So even if they notice you lose weight, they can pin it down to that?"

"…y-yeah." Blaine had definitely not thought of that, but it was simply a plus.

Kurt can't help but feel as if Blaine didn't want the Warblers to know he'd lost anything at all. Kurt wondered if the Warblers thought that Blaine was thin enough already and that losing any weight would be 'unacceptable'.

Kurt snorted at the idea. "Blaine, you can't keep this up, you know? The Warblers will figure it out one way or another. You can't be that tired for two weeks."

"Then I'll feign being sick. I'll throw it up. _I don't know_." Blaine sounded lost and distressed—

"Blaine, you can't throw anything up."

"Don't remind me," Blaine muttered coldly under his breath, voice full of hatred and spite.

Kurt wondered how Blaine seemed to keep this up for long. Were the Warblers blind to Blaine's intentions?

Kurt analysed them in his mind and then felt himself sigh. "They _worship_ you, Blaine. They worship you so much they don't even realise you're starving yourself senseless—if Thad did all the calculations in his head, you ate like about maybe all of your 'allergies' that day but nobody cared enough to make the assumption. _They think you can take care of yourself."_

Blaine snorted, but there seemed to be tension in the air as Kurt remembered the Warbler dinners.

Of course Kurt ate just as well as any of the Warblers did, as if he didn't have a problem, sometimes even criticising and telling him health scares – of course, he'd binge on the foods that he'd tell the Warblers were going to make him fat.

Blaine didn't make a single comment about how it would affect his weight, and simply optioned for telling them what he could eat, nervously picking at soy yoghurt, carrots, apples, soup, oatmeal, pita bread, and sometimes soy cheese slices when David would make the effort to bring it to him.

Kurt remembered the momentary scare Blaine had that they were over two hundred calorie as he looked up nutritional values and then calmed down significantly when he'd realised they were only seventy calories per serve.

The worst to Blaine was when the Warblers made the effort. Kurt still wouldn't forget how guilty Blaine had felt when Jeff had made him dairy-free gluten-free pasta and Blaine had pushed it around his plate, spreading it out to make him seem like he'd eaten more than he had when Blaine hadn't even consumed half of the pasta.

The thing was that they didn't notice Blaine's food phobia as much as they should've. The only thing that mattered was that Blaine was eating _something_ and they just assumed that Blaine ate it all. Most times Blaine would make the effort just in case anyone noticed, hiding away food in a plastic bag under his table and then giving it to Kurt to eat. This system worked very well.

On a particular Tuesday evening, Blaine was calling him. Kurt had taken up the phone and then answered. "Blaine?"

"Kurt! Kurt…Kurt!" Blaine was screaming into the phone, and Kurt can practically see him shake.

"They want me to eat with them. I _can't_."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	23. Blaine's Anxiety

Kurt could never believe how shaky Blaine sounded.

"Calm down. Did you…did you eat all of your one hundred and fifty calories yet?" Kurt was nearly disgusted at his own question.

Of course Blaine did – one hundred and fifty calories were equivalent to one bowl of oatmeal, or if Blaine was lucky two apples. Kurt really sometimes wondered how Blaine could survive on so little food for the whole day.

"No."

"Blaine, what did you get on your morning classes with?" Kurt made the connection, if Blaine skipped both lunch and dinner last night, and breakfast and lunch, then Blaine hadn't really eaten anything in twenty-four hours.

Blaine hadn't eaten anything in a _day_.

Kurt was nearly ready to throw up at the realisation, but at the same time, he was envious that Blaine can actually not eat for an entire day and still worry about exceeding his meagre limit.

Kurt tried to tell himself that it wasn't _that_ bad. Blaine was just trying to shape up for prom what with the Sadie Hawkins Dance recreating his anxiety.

"Filter coffee."

"_Blaine_!" Kurt snapped, now sounding very urgent.

_What the hell happened to you, Blaine? Filter coffee? FOR THE DAY?_

"Just help me, okay?" Blaine looked close to breaking point but he'd spat out the request maliciously.

"You're asking me? Blaine, I spend my free time looking at food like it's _porn_ for Prada's sake. I have to make _fake conversations on the phone_ with people when I'm paying for my shopping cart just so the cashier doesn't think I'm a total fatass and that I'm throwing a party. I don't go the same grocery store in _weeks_ because that's enough food to _last a normal family for a month_. I drive off to other parts of Lima just so I can go buy _binge food_ in grocery stores. I sometimes skip my Geometry, English classes and Glee to _binge and purge_. Are you asking me on how to get your way around the Warblers? Blaine, you need to eat before you faint. You know your body can't handle it. _You're not strong enough, Blaine."_

Blaine let out a soft sob. Kurt's heart gave out.

"You're right." Blaine suddenly said. "You're just trying to help me after all…and you can't. I can't. What if I _binge_? God. I'll throw myself off a bridge if I binge in front of the Warblers again."

"Blaine," Kurt's voice was brusque. _I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry—_

"They'll know if I don't go to dinner tonight. It's Andrew's Warbler _initiation_. I _have_ to be there. There's gonna be so much food, Kurt. So many temptations. You know how the Warblers went all out in your initiation as they did in mine! They expect us to eat a lot of food. I can't go down there. I can't lose control of myself. I _can't_. _You said you'd teach me how to purge!"_

"Blaine, calm down."

Blaine let out a loud whimper when Thad had poked his head in and told him to come down. "I'll call you after I'm done, okay?"

"Okay," Kurt's voice was soft.

Kurt felt guilt for his wishes—

_I hope they stuff you senseless, Blaine. You NEED it._

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter_


	24. Kurt Cuts

_He needs the food_

_He needs the food_

_Give him the food, dammit, Thad – FEED HIM SOMETHING BEFORE HE FAINTS ON YOU—_

Blaine left at 7PM, and had called him back nearly two hours and a half after. Kurt waited for Blaine to speak, holding the phone close him.

"They made that stupid Paella. They made me one with _tofu_. It was well over a thousand calories," Blaine muttered darkly.

"_Did you eat it?"_ was the question that Kurt wanted answered. _Please please please –_

"I ate and spat it out in a cup. It was disgusting, Kurt. I _hate_ seeing _chewed up_ food. Dinner ended an hour and a half ago but I had to brush my teeth and I think my hands touched the thing. I feel so _filthy_, Kurt. _I don't like seeing chewed up food_," Blaine repeated.

_You needed that! All of those damn thousand calories, you—_

"Blaine, you're such a child." Kurt suddenly said. "It's just chewed up food. _It's not like I shovelled it up your throat again."_

"Kurt, you're gonna make me throw up." Blaine said weakly.

Kurt was spiralling with anger, anger that Blaine didn't keep it in, anger that Blaine had so much control—

"Oh, stop it. You _had_ to do it, right? Do you want those thousand calories in your stomach right now? You're _never_ pleased, Blaine. Are you sure you spat it all out? You know chewing and spitting is a form of bulimia, right? You're not a good bulimic, Blaine. I know."

"…you think I might've eaten the thousand calories _without noticing_?" the thought was so horrific to Blaine that it made Kurt's stomach twist.

"With how bad you are at exercising and purging and _when you shoved practically fourteen laxatives down your throat at once not knowing that you'll throw them back up with how weak your stomach is thus defeating their purpose_? Yeah, Blaine. I doubt it. You're such a bad bulimic that I don't think you did that right. Do you have any laxatives on you?"

"No," Blaine's voice was soft. "I don't normally use laxatives." Blaine sounded close to panic now.

Now, Blaine was panicking. Now, Kurt can see him in his head again, curling up into a ball, defeated and he can't—he can't do that to him… he…

"I think I still left some in my dorm room in the second drawer – oh, I don't have to tell you this. You _know_ where my laxatives are." Kurt heard Blaine scramble to his drawer and then familiar crunching of the silvery metal medication. "How many are there?"

"Six."

"Take them. _All_."

"Okay." Blaine obviously wasn't used to Kurt guiding him as he took all six laxatives, and then dumped it in the trashcan. "Thank you, Kurt."

"Just don't try being 'bulimic' again, Blaine. You are _horrible_ at it. Let's just hope you didn't gain ten pounds for prom." It was harsh, Kurt had to admit, but he had to help Blaine. Blaine would do the same for him.

If Blaine was already perfect, he wouldn't try to kill himself by not eating for a _freakin' day_.

Kurt was just trying to make sure that the work wouldn't go to waste but something at the pitch of his stomach was telling him that there was a huge possibility that Blaine had spat everything out in the cup just as instructed.

Blaine didn't use laxatives normally for a good reason – they were _messy_. Everything about bulimia was _messy_ to Blaine.

Kurt grabbed the knife in his front drawer that he usually kept locked, along with his disposable razor-blades and paper clips, as the scent of blood overwhelmed him.

He wondered if he'd ever lose Blaine because he was _messy_.

That thought caused him to run the knife down his own legs so hard he swore he was seeing stars.

Kurt forgot he told Blaine that he would never bleed _because_ of Blaine, and that only made him deepen the cut as he realised. "I'm sorry, Blaine."

He could almost hear Blaine's voice, sometimes it would be cold and calculating, other times it would be soft and weak, "_you **promised**_."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	25. Kurt's Clothes

Kurt had stepped out of his room with Finn and Blaine sitting there, as well as Burt. He showed him what he was wearing for prom, stitched and made by himself of course.

Kurt almost didn't want to lose anything for prom just so it wouldn't fit him any looser than it already did when he'd started working on it. _Almost_.

He twirled to show Blaine and Finn the attire. Finn thought it was like "_Gay Braveheart"_ but Blaine looked disturbed seeing Kurt in black (_black is slimming of course) _and the tights accented his calves perfectly. The black skirt was gorgeous in fact.

Kurt was _toned_, toned from exercise and bulimia. Blaine wanted to _laugh_.

Blaine was going to have a talk with Kurt alone about this. Kurt was shot down by Burt and Blaine on wearing that. Kurt thought it was because he was fat, and from the way Blaine was staring at him, he knew that Blaine was going to reinforce the idea.

The minute that Kurt went upstairs, Blaine followed him looking rather angry and explosive. "Kurt, you _can't_ wear that. Not _only_ will you get beat up, but you're _too fat_ to wear something like that. I'm _not_ going with you _if you're wearing that." _

"Blaine," Kurt cupped his cheeks. "I've been working on this for months. I don't care. _I'm wearing it_."

"_Don't_ run to me if they start making fun of you because they're gonna tell you that you're so Goddamn fat, Kurt. _This_ isn't enough." Kurt knew that Blaine was just trying to help him, but looking at the mirror, Kurt shook his head and then glared coldly at him.

"You either be seen with me, or you don't. _I'm_ _wearing this_, Blaine."

"No, you're not! _What do you think you're doing to me when you-you go out like that_?! They're gonna hit us again! I don't _like_ blood, Kurt. It's _messy_." Blaine blurted out, and then Kurt glared coldly at them.

"Well, then I have to _train you_, don't I?" Kurt snapped, in defence of himself.

He hadn't being talked back to Blaine. Kurt was a _fashionista_. _This_ was _his_ domain. Blaine had no right to interfere with his domain. Kurt got defensive when people tried to step in his domain, Blaine trying so desperately to be a bad bulimic enough as he was. Exercise, laxatives, purging, cutting, depression – _Kurt's_ _domain_. Blaine can't challenge him in that kind of pain.

Blaine had his own pain. Blaine didn't _know a damn thing_.

Kurt suddenly turned around and had picked a black key from a pink flower pot, and then had opened his drawer, picking up a knife.

Kurt slowly peeled off the jacket and shirt, taunting Blaine by keeping the 'skirt' – his kilt – on as he slowly ran the knife through his arm. Blood slowly escaping—

"Kurt, stop!" Blaine suddenly yelped out. Kurt felt horrible, but at the same time, he had to run the knife along his hand. He _had_ to. "You said you wouldn't dare cut _because_ of me."

"And _you're_ a hypocritical bitch too," Kurt spitefully responded, sounding very empty, hurt at Blaine's words. "See, Blaine, _blood_? Blood you're so fucking scared of_. It's what you're made of_."

Kurt brought his arm to Blaine, causing him to jump up at the contact of blood to his skin, almost as if it was contaminated.

"You think you can _catch_ bulimia, Blaine?"

Blaine was pale, the kind of pale that made Kurt want to throw up, but there was _something_ driving him…

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	26. Kurt's Caution

_I'm sorry Blaine_

Kurt, anger-driven, took Blaine's wrist, and then pulled his arm across Blaine's mouth, allowing him to taste the metallic taste of blood.

_Kurt! What the hell are you doing—?_

Blaine immediately jumped up at the taste of blood, eyes wide.

_Filth. Blood. Kurt._

Blaine ran off towards Kurt's bathroom, kneeling down the toilet bowl and then threw up the blood along with what he'd eaten – Kurt felt his heart break.

What he'd eaten, what had he eaten? A _carrot_? _One_ stupid carrot and what? Six cups of black coffee.

Kurt was horrified. Black coffee tasted absolutely like _the worst_ coming up.

Kurt suddenly kneeled down beside him, cupping his cheek lovingly and then allowing his hand to drift to his shoulder as Blaine threw up violently again.

This time, _bile_. Kurt can just tell by the smell.

Kurt watched Blaine shake at the thought of Kurt being so close, eyes on the blood on Kurt's arm, as Kurt stood up, doing something he hadn't in a while, disinfecting the cuts and then attempting to wrap the cut with the gauze with one hand, but Blaine had stood up, helping Kurt with the gauze, and then securing it.

"Why did you it?" Blaine asked, voice vacant, referring to Kurt wrapping up the cut he wouldn't normally cut up.

"So I can do _this_," Kurt said, and then wrapped his arms around Blaine and pulled him closer. "You've got to eat more when Prom's over, Blaine. Your body can't survive on that _little_ food, okay? You can't keep on skipping Warbler dinners. They're gonna notice."

Blaine slowly nodded his head. "Okay. But you won't…won't cut like that _because of me _again, right?"

It broke Kurt's heart, that that was the only thing on Blaine's mind right now—

Kurt nodded his head. There was no promise. The word was meaningless. "I'll cut if you don't eat anything _right now_. Blaine, there's _nothing_ in you."

"Kurt, you can't _do this to me_!" Blaine's voice was full of anger and contempt. "You, of all people—_why_?"

Blaine's voice softened. "Why are you trying to make me fat, Kurt?"

"Blaine, it's nearly dinner time and the only thing that's in your body is a _freakin' carrot_. This…is _too much_. Even for me. A few days of _this_ is okay. It's been two weeks, Blaine. It's nearly prom and I don't want my boyfriend to faint on the day because he refused to eat something before showing up or something."

Blaine flinched. Kurt's expression softened as tears burned in his eyes.

"Blaine, you gotta eat something. Your body's gonna give out, and it's not gonna be pretty when they take you to the hospital, Blainey."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	27. Blaine's Reluctance

Blaine watched Kurt, eyes still glittering with tears as he wore his original clothing back. By that time, the tears had disappeared.

Kurt then insisted on pulling Blaine into the kitchen, pulling out a mound of soy milk Carole had insisted on getting just in case Blaine's hypoglycaemia went out of control.

When Blaine realised that Carole had made the effort, he nearly looked close to tears again as Kurt measured it out for Blaine.

Blaine opened his mouth to tell Kurt to dump it, at least half of it. That he didn't need an entire _cup_ of Alpro soy milk.

"102.5 calories," Blaine muttered.

Kurt nodded and then pulled out a box of Cheerios and one of Special K. "Which?"

Kurt had picked off the Cheerios when Blaine didn't answer, knowing that Blaine would appreciate even the small three calorie difference.

Kurt had poured the Cheerios into a bowl, then paused and redone the same with a second bowl along with the soya milk, putting them in the microwave.

Kurt had taken Blaine to the living room and had made him sit down to eat. Kurt took the silvery spoon, took a spoonful and—

He heard Blaine. Blaine hurt. Blaine was _hurt_.

_"Why are you doing this to me?"_ Blaine whispered.

"I don't know," Kurt muttered. "Maybe I'm _just jealous_," Kurt snapped coldly at him, knowing that was just what Blaine was thinking.

"You gave me 324.5 calories, Kurt. That's my intake for _two days_."

Kurt bit down his lower lip, nodding. "I know. A normal bowl of cereal would last you for two days, Blaine. How's that supposed to make _me_ feel?"

"Jealous," Blaine muttered coldly.

Kurt cupped Blaine's cheek, forcing their eyes to meet. Hazel and blue eyes finding themselves.

"You _listen_ to me," Kurt began, voice full of coldness. "You just finish this and I don't care if you don't eat anything else tonight but you are eating this. Blaine, if you faint in prom, I will swear I will _rat us both out_."

Blaine was horrified. Kurt knew it was because he was putting them both on the line. "You won't dare."

"You look _tired_." Kurt tried to explain.

"I _am_ tired. I'm tired of trying so hard, Kurt," Blaine whispered, suddenly spilling secrets. "I'm tired of being hungry. I'm tired of trying to sleep it off. I'm tired of feeling so damn tired all the time…"

"You make it look effortless, you know," Kurt said, giving Blaine a spoon. "Like you can starve on from today until next year, but you're weak, aren't you? You're just as weak as I am."

Blaine nodded.

"I'm sorry I have to make you eat this, Blaine." Kurt suddenly said.

"No, you're _not_. If you were _sorry_, you _wouldn't make me eat this_," Blaine hissed.

Kurt watched as Blaine ate the Cheerios, looking very full on that bowl that went through Kurt like it was nothing.

Blaine grabbed Kurt's wrist when Kurt was just about to leave it purge it out. "It's not _fair_ if you purge." Blaine reminded him.

Kurt nodded towards Blaine, and they sat together, lapsing in silence.

"I'm wearing it." Kurt suddenly reminded him. "And if you don't want me to, _then don't come_."

"I won't."

Kurt looked visibly hurt by that, as he looked at Blaine's face, trying to decipher if it was the fact that Kurt had shoved down two days' of food in Blaine, or if it was because Blaine was seriously not coming because he was wearing that skirt.

_"Fine." _Kurt's voice was strong with something that he didn't recognise as Blaine left the house.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	28. Kurt's Courage

On the day of prom, Kurt was itching to weigh himself, but it was wrong when Blaine wasn't around.

_It all hurt when Blaine wasn't around—_

Despite their small fight, Kurt had driven over to the Anderson household. His Mother answered the door.

Kurt's eyes nearly popped out of his skull when he realised what Blaine meant. His Mother looked adorably tiny as compared to…well, Kurt. And probably Blaine too. But it was the healthy effortless kind of tiny that made Kurt feel envious.

"Er…I'm here for Blaine."

"Of course! I'm Mrs Anderson – you can call me Jenna of course."

She was so warm and sweet that Kurt couldn't believe that she'd ever make a comment about Blaine's weight; then again, Blaine's mind twisted things to an abnormal extent. "Are you one of Blaine's Warbler friends?"

"I used to be," Kurt explained. "I'm his boyfriend though."

"I finally get to meet the boyfriend! Hmm," Jenna stared at Kurt, in inspection and Kurt felt like she knew how much he weighed and how fat he was, but she seemed to approve Kurt's presence. "So, it's Kurt?"

"Kurt Hummel," Kurt nodded once more.

_"JOSEPH! Come meet Blaine's boyfriend_!" Jenna sounded out.

Joseph stepped out of the room and then stared at Kurt with a fixed expression on his face as he nodded.

From what Kurt can see, Kurt concluded that Blaine looked a lot like his Mother – the bubbly woman with curly black hair, sweet hazel eyes that glittered just as brilliantly as Blaine's but for some reason, he felt like Blaine's eyes shone more earnestly and beautifully – Joseph was as pale as Kurt, with eyes just as blue, and hair just as chocolaty-brown causing Kurt to blush.

It was like an older heterosexual version of the both of them, except for the fact that Jenna was ridiculously short, and Joseph was ridiculously tall whist Kurt and Blaine only had a few inch difference. Kurt still thought it was cute his boyfriend was adorably shorter than him.

"Dressed up all nice and snazzy, eh? _That a skirt_?"

_He can kick you out if you say yes—_

Kurt stared.

Face full of _courage_, he whispered. "It is."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	29. Blaine's Parents

Kurt watched Joseph take it all in, that Kurt was wearing a _skirt_.

Kurt waited for the criticism that would calm, watching Joseph open his mouth to speak.

"I like this kid. Not afraid to wear skirts around in _Lima_ for God's sake."

"_Kurt_?" Blaine had stood from the stairway, and Kurt's eyes widened when he realised Blaine was dressed up in a suit.

Blaine really was going to go? Kurt felt elated, but at the same time, full of spite and confusion.

To Kurt, Blaine definitely looked thinner – especially because of the starvation that was plaguing through him.

Kurt shot a look over at Joseph and Jenna – _did they not notice their son thinning before their eyes? _

"Blaine," Kurt sounded breathless. "You look amazing." _You would never believe that._

Blaine slowly nodded his head at Kurt. "I…I was just gonna—"

Kurt moved towards him, putting a soft finger to his lips, and then drawing his lips to Blaine, proclaiming him again.

"You look beautiful," Kurt tried to reassure him _you've always looked beautiful to me_, words that Blaine would never believe, as he looked over at his parents, whom were grinning happily.

"Joseph, get my camera."

Joseph returned as Jenna skid to the kitchen. Kurt supposed he and Blaine would weigh themselves another day, yet it was killing Kurt not knowing how much he weighed and it killed him to not know how much Blaine was losing as he knew the rate had to be incredibly quick with how little he was eating.

Joseph took a few pictures, and then Jenna had returned with a tray of appetisers.

Blaine shot a look at Kurt, and Kurt immediately knew that he had to eat else it would look rude. Kurt looked at them. Finger sandwiches. Truffles. Biscuits. And Joseph then poured him some tea, as well as Blaine.

Kurt quickly looked at his iPhone, and wrote a message: _calories_?

Blaine felt his Android buzz and checked his messages.

Kurt could count the seconds that his iPhone buzzed in. He wondered just how obsessed Blaine was with the calorie content of everything.

_Finger sandwiches (60 per one), truffles (75 per one), biscuit (128 per one), tea (50)_.

Jenna had given him a biscuit. "This is really good!" she gave it to Kurt and Kurt had tentatively bit through it.

"Have another one."

Blaine watched Kurt being fed nearly five hundred calories of finger-sandwiches, truffles, and biscuits, and Jenna then turned around, offering Blaine up one of the biscuits, but Blaine shook his head. "My stomach, Maman. It hurts."

"Your stomach always hurts," Jenna muttered. "Joseph, did you get him anything?"

Joseph stared down at his bag, awkwardly fumbling with it until he got him a Buscopan tablet.

"You gotta eat it with something," Joseph assured him.

Blaine slowly nodded his head as his Mother gave him a few biscuits. Blaine looked repulsed for a minute and Kurt can see why. That very much exceeded his calorie limits for just a bunch of biscuits.

Blaine ate them in a normal pace, presenting himself to be very normal in front of his Mother.

If Kurt was an outsider, he'd say that Blaine even enjoyed that buttermilk biscuit – and he probably did for those two minutes it took him to eat one, then two, and nearly six at his Mother's request, before taking the pill and gulping down some of the tea in between.

After cheerful clatter, Jenna hugged her son quickly, and then Kurt as if she'd known him for years.

Kurt wondered how she could be so blind to Blaine's weight, or if the bloat had already settled in Blaine's stomach. He hoped that because the cookies were small despite their high calorie content that it didn't make him bloat him too bad.

Joseph hugged Blaine and then clasped a hand over at Kurt, looking tentatively back to Kurt and Blaine.

"Back before eleven, okay?" Joseph clearly stated.

They both nodded and left. Kurt's hand was on Blaine's shoulder. "You…you were going to come?" Kurt stammered.

Blaine didn't answer Kurt question but Kurt knew it was true, that Blaine really was going to come and see him. "Why…why did you come?"

"I wanted to check my weight, weigh-in and all, but I can't do that without you."

Blaine slowly nodded his head and then Blaine hugged him. Kurt didn't understand why at first.

"Can you feel any bloat?" Blaine asked, and Kurt could – of course, he could, hard rockiness in Blaine's abdomen, which was probably why Jenna said nothing about Blaine's weight loss so far, because she couldn't feel it. Kurt swallowed.

"Tell me the truth," Blaine adamantly stated.

Kurt nodded his head. "Yeah, Blaine. Course."

Blaine looked like he'd just been told he'd gained ten pounds as he nodded. "Okay," he looked down, sounding torn to pieces. "Okay."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	30. Blaine's Spiral

_the cause of Blaine being so harsh will be addressed even in the next chapter but to know: Blaine's anxiety part of his OCD is over the limit and here, he puts people in categories; fat-thin so he can calm himself down and focus on something other than how anxious he actually is as an onset of Sadie Hawkins (which is also why he went extreme with his intake anyway)._

* * *

Blaine was silent when he got into the car.

Kurt was about to put the keys in his ignition but—

He turned to Blaine and then hugged him again. Kurt placed a hand into Blaine's hair and then kissed him. Blaine returned the kiss with just as much passion, arms around Kurt's chest.

They both brought their bodies closer.

"We don't have to go," Kurt said, "we can just…"

"…I don't want to have sex when I'm this fat."

"Blaine," Kurt tried to assure him. "There is _nothing_ I haven't seen."

Blaine nodded. "Are you sure you're ready?"

At that question, Kurt shook his head, suddenly thinking of his own body. _You're such a fucking hypocrite—_

To that, they drove off to prom without another thought in their mind. Kurt and Blaine stood at the far end, with Kurt pointing at each New Directions member and introducing them.

"This is Puck."

"He's athletic." Blaine assessed, staring at Puck's figure.

"Oh, and that's Artie."

"Thin," Blaine mumbled under his breath, eyes on Artie's figure, almost as if the boy didn't have a face.

"Mike."

"Skinny." Blaine enviously spat out.

"Tina."

Blaine looked at her once and twice in his mind. "Healthy."

"Finn."

"Pudgy."

"That's my _stepbrother_." Kurt glared coldly at him and this time, Finn looked over at Blaine with such ferocity in his eyes that Blaine did shut up immediately afterwards.

"Not everyone's tiny," Finn muttered.

"He has his own body issues," Kurt explained, shooting a look over at Blaine, whom didn't seem to mind telling Finn the harsh truth, but Finn just sighed and left with Quinn, holding her hand.

"She's thin."

"That's Quinn. She's a Cheerio."

"This is Mercedes. You remember her—" Kurt pointed towards the African-American.

"Fat."

Kurt was too offended right now, turning to look at Blaine. "Blaine, stop looking at people's figures! I'd start to think you're analysing me and wondering if I'm thin or fat—"

"_You're fat,"_ Blaine muttered under his breath.

Finn looked back at Blaine, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. "That's it! I'm telling Burt about this when we get home, Kurt! You're taking a cheap, low-life scumbag that's main priority is how a person looks like…that's not fucking cool!"

"Hey, Frankteen," Sue Sylvester called out. "Put him down."

"No," Finn snarled and optioned for throwing Blaine towards the nearest student, which just happened to be Kurt. Kurt grabbed his boyfriend.

"Finn, please. He's got – he's got OCD and he keeps on characterising people in categories when he's scared or anxious and upset and he's had a really tough week. Finn."

Finn sighed, but he was still kicked out for it, and Kurt bit down his lower lip, looking at Blaine's face. Blaine looked semi-traumatised. "I'm sorry," Blaine suddenly spilled out. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to every single one of you."

"I know, Blaine." Kurt looked over at New Directions. "Please, give him a chance. He's really sweet."

"He called _me_ fat. He called _you_ fat." Mercedes reminded him.

"I know," Kurt said, acknowledging it. "But…but—he's just really stressed, okay?" _Blaine is looking like he's gonna—_

"I'm sorry," Blaine was gasping out.

"He was beat up in his last prom pretty badly and he's got real bad OCD," Kurt added on, defending him once again. "He just starts putting people in categories – sometimes by facial features, sometimes by talent, sometimes by weight, right now, it's just your appearances and he does it cause it calms him down."

"Fine. One chance, Curls." Santana said from behind him. "And since you like to categorise people, you fatass—"

Blaine looked paler than usual now. He'd _rather_ be beat up. Blaine suddenly was breathing erratically and Kurt wrapped his arms around him to try and calm him down. Blaine's panic attack was not something Kurt knew how to handle—

"Fuck. What's going on?"

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	31. Kurt's Humiliation

Quinn grabbed onto Blaine's shoulders, trying to get the sweaty, shaking Blaine to breathe that looked extremely nauseated and pale by now.

Blaine turned to one side, shaking and dropping to his knees beside the nearest waste basket and threw up the contents of his stomach – the six singular buttermilk biscuits he'd had for the day, along with the tea.

Kurt kneeled down beside him, cupping Blaine's cheek. "I should get him out of here. Prom's scaring the shit out of him."

_"Time to announce your Prom King and Queen—"_

"Not now."

Kurt pulled Blaine to standing position whilst trying to make him breathe and calm down. He looked like a jittery mess. "I'm sorry," Blaine suddenly blurted out to the New Directions again. "I'm sorry."

"Jeez, calm down. It's okay. It's okay," Mercedes tried to tell him, suddenly afraid that Blaine would explode. She hadn't expected him to be this shaky.

Kurt knew a part of it was the lack of food in his system. Blaine was more prone to panic attacks when he didn't have anything in him. Tina cupped Blaine's cheeks, slowly breathing in and out so Blaine would replicate her.

"It's okay, honey. It's okay," Kurt tried to assure him.

"I'm sorry," Blaine blurted out, still so full of guilt. The pride disappearing from his face.

_"—and nominated for your Prom Queen—"_

Quinn and Santana disappeared on stage, just to keep people from noticing the frazzled Blaine. Puck patted him on his back, as he coughed in pain. "Dude, dude, just calm down before you start coughing up a lung," Puck muttered.

"_What_?!" Blaine anxiously responded.

_"—and your Prom Queen is…"_

Blaine looked so close to starting to break down and cry. Kurt met Blaine's eyes, as Blaine pointed to his skin, tracing exposed, flawless flesh. "You wouldn't ever do _that_ because of _me_, right?"

Shit. When Blaine had a panic attack, he exposed their shit. Kurt bit down his lower lip. "Never," he whispered.

"What's he talking about?"

_The cutting you never fucking noticed._

"I promise," Kurt whispered.

_"…Kurt Hummel."_

All eyes on Kurt. Kurt's heart pumped quickly, almost as if he just suddenly felt exposed in his kilt. Kurt grabbed onto Blaine's wrist and pulled him away. Blaine pressed his forehead against Kurt's shoulder, as he shook. Kurt brought his hand to Blaine's side.

In twenty minutes, they'd be in Blaine's room. Kurt wouldn't call Burt, and then they'd be holding each other, crying in each other's fabricated clothing as they sobbed uncontrollably. Hot tears running down their faces.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	32. Confused Kurt

"Kiddo, where were you? You wouldn't answer _any_ of my calls—"

Burt's first instinct was to look at Kurt that morning when he walked inside, and he looked like he'd been dragged through personal Hell, tear-tracks still on his face as Finn bit down his lower lip.

Finn had obviously told Burt the story because he and Carole were staring at Kurt as if they were waiting for him to explode.

Kurt pressed his head against Burt's shoulder and Burt wrapped his arms protectively around him. "And that Blaine kid called you fat?"

Kurt chuckled sadly.

"That's not it. I was…you know, voted Prom Queen—it really upset me. Don't worry about Blaine…he's…he had a panic attack and kept on saying he was sorry. Broke my heart to see him like that—so fragile and weak, and _scared_. He didn't mean it when he called me fat. He just has really bad OCD and starts putting people in categories – sometimes by their talents, their faces, or sometimes by how they look. It calms him down sometimes, really, and he just…he had a panic attack. You should've seen him. I stayed with him and he cried so hard—I just…when he started crying, I broke down too. Honest. Give Blaine another chance, Finn. He's a really good person."

Finn huffed. "Fine."

_Thank you._

Kurt looked up at his Father with certain blue eyes. "He's not gonna hurt me." _I'm gonna hurt me_.

"…I…I think we should invite Blaine over for dinner then and we can see what to do then. We've seen the boy here and there, of course, but we need a proper sit-down in our Friday nights…" Carole offered. "We should get to know him before we make that kind of decision, Kurt."

Kurt nodded his head. "Okay." His voice was weak.

He'd called Blaine quickly afterwards, asking him if he wanted to weigh in now that they were able to and then promptly invited him for dinner.

"I hate that word. Dinner." Blaine muttered.

"I'm about…161.1 pounds and I've got my BMI at around 23.1." Kurt quickly calculated with a calculator, knowing the formulae by heart by now. "And you?"

"138.6…around 21.1," Blaine said, sounding elated. "How do you feel?"

"Not any thinner."

"I feel fatter." Blaine admitted.

_Blaine, you're gonna disappear if—_

"Blaine, you _look_ thinner. It's visibly showing. Especially in your cheeks."

"You too, you know. Your collarbones are really showing right now. I'm really jealous of them and your hips. I can _feel_ your hipbones we're making out."

Kurt remembered feeling Blaine's hipbones, prominent against him as they were kissing…that day that he could feel Blaine's ribcage when he kissed him—

Kurt laid a hand on his hip, and then nodded. "…you won't ever lie to me, Blainey."

"Never," Blaine whispered back to him.

_…lie to me. Tell me we're gonna be okay._

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	33. Kurt's Wrists

For dinner, Blaine could barely walk towards the door.

Kurt could count on signs of low blood sugar taking Blaine on as fast as they could. He look tired and aloof, distant from the world.

Kurt pointed at the reasonable options on the menu for Blaine and at the end, Blaine decided on a Greek salad that came up to be at around two hundred and sixty calories according to their website. Kurt ordered the same thing.

"Blaine, honey…"

"I'm sorry," Blaine whispered. "I really was so sorry."

That broke Carole's heart. Finn's expression softened. It was a genuine apology to say the least.

Blaine took Kurt's elbow, and then laid his head on Kurt's shoulder.

"You know, people might…stare at us," Kurt reminded him.

"I wanna show you off, Kurt." Blaine reminded him, and then kissed his forehead, causing the two affectionate lovers to stare at each other. "You've been working so hard." _Puking your guts out._

Kurt nodded his head.

Underneath the table, Blaine slid his hand towards Kurt's jacket; pulling up to reveal the amount of fresh cuts that were on Kurt's arm .

Blaine's lower lip was quivering. "Blaine, dude, it's okay," Finn suddenly realised Blaine's very pale, fearful facial expression.

To Blaine, it was like everything was really hitting him about Kurt, his cheeks were smaller, his eyes looked sadder, his wrists had too many cuts, and his stomach was flatter and it scared him.

Blaine picked off olives and the lettuce and feta and tomato. He took a piece of lettuce then, and put on just a substandard amount of cheese, a piece of tomato and an olive, and then took a bite.

Kurt just stared at Blaine. There was something incredibly wrong going on.

"Blaine, what's going on?" Kurt watched Blaine pull out his hand sanitizer and then clean his hands after every tenth bite. Blaine only went into this type of overdrive when he was seriously, seriously nervous or stressed about something.

"Blaine, they've always been there," Kurt said, vaguely talking about his cuts by referring to them as 'they'.

"Not that many, Kurt!" Blaine screamed out.

Kurt wondered how he could freak someone like Blaine out so bad.

"Many _what_?" Burt cut in, staring back and forth between Blaine and Kurt. Something was definitely up.

"They're not important," Kurt muttered under his breath.

Blaine stared at him with a mouth wide open.

"Are any of them because of _me_?"

"No. I promised."

"You broke promises before," Blaine whispered. "You broke _that_ promise before." Kurt cupped Blaine's cheek, staring at him.

"Blaine, this isn't neither the time nor place."

"I'm scared." Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine and Blaine wrapped his around Kurt, ignoring any passing stare given over towards them. "I'm so scared."

"I know," Kurt laid a hand on Blaine's gelled hair. "I know."

"What's going on?" Burt suddenly stated, knowing that there was something serious going on – something serious enough to emit that kind of response from Kurt. "Is this about yesterday's prom?"

Kurt nodded. "He just keeps on having outbursts like this. His anxiety levels are just…."

"Hey, hey, hey, Blaine," Burt's voice was so sympathetic, believing Kurt's lie quickly, and that made Kurt feel the lead in his stomach, thinking that his Father trusted him so bad when he was such a mess. "You gotta calm down, okay?"

Blaine slowly nodded his head. "Okay." His voice was too weak. Kurt thought he might be able to snap his boyfriend in half right now. "I'm sorry, Mr Hummel. For not telling you."

Something in Kurt's stomach told him that he hadn't meant that he was sorry about not telling him about how bad his OCD was.

"…parents know about how bad it can get?" Burt asked.

Blaine shook his head. "No. Not really. But that's okay."

Burt raised an eyebrow.

Blaine looked down at his lap. "I'm just really tired right now, Mr Hummel. I think I'll leave." Blaine left Kurt and the half-eaten salad with a simple gesture of 'call me' and pointed at his arm. Kurt felt sick and then nodded his head.

Two hours later, Kurt called and talked to him about a funeral he was arranging for a cheerleading coach's sister or that was what Blaine could remember. Then Kurt messaged him. Left sixteen messages. All with the same line.

_I'm gonna cut right now._

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	34. Thin Blaine

_where the Blangst limit hits rock bottom. don't worry. there will be an insane amount of Kurt hurt afterwards._

* * *

Blaine didn't come around the Hudson-Hummel house anymore and Kurt could see how it was distressing his family. They took Blaine as part of their own even after that tiny outburst.

Kurt had just returned from Nationals, from New York – _what a bulimic's nightmare_.

Kurt had practically eaten everything. And he purged everything until his body felt like it was giving up on him. On that stage, he was ready to pass out—

Now, with nothing but two bottles of Gatorade in him, Kurt went to meet up with Blaine.

Kurt's eyes widened when he stared at Blaine. Did Blaine lose even more weight? Kurt bit down his lower lip and sat down beside him.

Oh, Prada. Blaine lost. A lot of weight. It was evident in his eyes, his face, his—_Blaine_.

The first thing Blaine did was grab Kurt's wrist and pull it to reveal the freshly formed cuts on Kurt's arm.

Kurt looked away, shamefully.

"I'm afraid you're gonna die," Blaine whispered.

"Don't be insane, Blaine," Kurt stated. "I'm not gonna _die_..."

Kurt picked up Blaine's food journal, and flipped through it. He wanted to see just how low of an intake Blaine had—

But he was met with intakes of _nothing_ going on for days before binges, then he wouldn't eat again for days and days on end and it was making Kurt feel sick.

Kurt didn't realise his hands were shaking until he looked up. "Blaine, don't you dare tell me you were surviving on black coffee for _a week_ after your last binge."

Blaine slowly nodded his head. "I…I can't eat anymore, Kurt. The thought…it…fucking _repulses_ me."

"Blaine, honey," Kurt whispered. "Blaine."

"Tell me about what happened in Nationals, okay?"

Kurt launched into the entire story then; eyes still on Blaine's face – Blaine's _ridiculously thin_ face – how much had the boy lost?

Kurt knew it was possible to lose even more than two or three pounds a day by not eating anything at all, at least initially then his progress would be a pound a day…

After he finished off, Blaine nodded his head and then stated. "You look thinner, Kurt."

"_Me_?" Kurt said. "I think I ate enough for the both of us…"

"But you purge." Blaine suddenly said. "You purge…I am so _freakin' fat_ I can't even look into the mirror anymore."

Kurt wondered if the image of himself was as skewed as Blaine's. Kurt didn't think he looked any thinner but Blaine was telling him he did.

To be honest, all Kurt felt was ridiculously disgusting.

"I need to weigh you. Both of us. Coffee, any food intact." Kurt suddenly said. "I'll buy you a drip when we get back. Pharmacy's down the road. It measures your BMI and everything."

It was the pharmacy that was the nightmare for Blaine. Kurt bought a bunch of laxatives and then weighed himself on that scale. It had been a while, _months_. Kurt could only hope he didn't put on any fucking weight.

Kurt picked the slip without looking at it and made Blaine stand up. They exchanged slips because Kurt couldn't bear to look at the number.

"146.5…21.0 for a BMI." Blaine's voice was soft. "I knew you looked thinner. A _lot_ thinner, Kurt. You're _beautiful_."

Kurt raised an eyebrow. _How_?

"That's 14.6 pounds…in I think two months."

From training for Nationals until now. He didn't bother weighing himself after, thinking he'd gained a tonne of weight.

He didn't feel any different at all though, despite the new smaller number associated with him.

"…Blaine."

"Kurt?"

"124.2, Blaine? That's nearly underweight. That's 18.9, nearly 18.5."

"I'm not gonna disappear, Kurt," Blaine whispered.

"At this rate?" Kurt raised an eyebrow. "By the time I see you next year, you're gonna be _gone_. Blaine, you're nearly as thin as your Mother."

"Maybe that's what I want," Blaine interjected. "Maybe I want to be _thinner_."

"Do you think you can exist weighing a 100 pounds or something, Blaine? Because _that's_ where you're headed at."

"Do you think I could?" Blaine said, eyes looking hopeful now. Kurt's mind was reeling. This caused Kurt's heart to pound into his chest.

"_Blaine_."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	35. Kurt's Horror

_this fanfic has been pretty trigger-y for a lot of people and gosh, babies, if you feel triggered by any content, obviously doesn't hesitate to stop reading this fanfic. it is trippy triggery. i know this. :( and i hate feeling responsible for trigger-ing someone. _

_anyway...to those of who who want to know the rest of the story..._

* * *

"_Blaine_."

Kurt felt Blaine grab onto his arms. "Blaine," Kurt's voice softened. "This is heading off to the direction of _severe_ _anorexia_, Blaine. It's _killing_ you."

Blaine raised an eyebrow. "Kurt, I'm gonna be _fine_," he waved it off.

Kurt was petrified.

"Come on. Coffee time." Blaine grabbed Kurt's arm and then pulled him back towards the quaint café, and Kurt ordered them both non-fat mochas before Blaine can open his mouth.

"Do this for me. It's just a cup of coffee, Blaine," Kurt didn't mean for his voice to be venomous. Blaine slowly nodded his head, accepting his cup of coffee.

Blaine silently sipped. Kurt looked at Blaine's face, Blaine's defeated face – Blaine looking like he was wrong for drinking coffee that wasn't filter.

Blaine doing this for _him_.

Kurt was petrified because that sounded like—

"Kurt?"

Kurt looked at Blaine's face who moved to encompass their lips together. "I love you."

Kurt felt tears burning into his eyes.

_I'm watching you kill yourself. You're watching me kill myself. What kind of love is this?_

Kurt nodded his head.

"I love you too."

* * *

_these sometimes will get shorter than normal. this had the most impact when it was by itself._

_Cheers xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	36. Kurt Breaks

_i don't know if you've ever ever read the beginning warnings but there's a warning for rape. it comes in a chapter or so from here. it's** perceived rape.** as in rape did not really happen but people think it did. i forgot which chapter but i remember it's close to here. you'll understand more as you read this chapter. also this is an assload of Kurt hurt coming your way. the chapters will get shorter for a while before they lengthen out again._

* * *

Summer.

Days of wondering if Blaine was okay, if Blaine got any thinner—of purging, purging, purging, and eating everything in sight.

By the time that school rolled around, Blaine had enrolled into McKinley at Kurt's pressuring. Because of Kurt didn't see Blaine all the time, he would die from worrying and concern.

Kurt was unsure why Blaine was staring at him like that, like there was something wrong.

Blaine had dragged him off into one of the classrooms once, shutting the door, inspecting him with vacant eyes. "Kurt…" Blaine whispered, cupping Kurt's cheek. "Remember what I told you?"

"That you're never enough, never perfect and there's no such thing as too thin?" Kurt spat out, ready to follow it back with: _Blaine, you're too fucking thin right now_—

Blaine nodded his head. "Kurt."

Kurt cupped Blaine's cheek and before Kurt can speak, Blaine did. "I'm scared…Kurt, your cuts are…getting worse and worse every time I see them. You're…you're too much, Kurt. You're too perfect. You're…_too thin_."

"What do you mean?" Kurt raised an eyebrow as Blaine pulled Kurt's shirt, practically throwing it off him as he put a hand across Kurt's chest.

_"Bones. _I can see _all_ of them."

"Did you even eat this summer?" Kurt suddenly snapped coldly at him, but Blaine stared back at him, looking fragile before nodding.

The two of them were distant in Glee, and this was something all of the New Directions can pick up. Carole and Burt can pick it up too and at a specific night where Blaine was standing beside Kurt's full-length mirror, fixing his purple blazer, Kurt lost it.

"Blaine, just stop looking at yourself in the mirror, _please_?"

"Why are you being like this?"

"Blaine, you're wasted…you're…emaciated…you're…_gone_…and I was okay with this before, but I'm not okay with it right now," Kurt whispered.

Blaine saw Kurt set him down against the bedside, and then grab onto the jacket he was wearing, throwing it off. Kurt pulled one of the sleeves of his baggy shirt up.

Blaine cringed. He didn't know if it was because of how thin Kurt's arm was or because of how many newly fresh cuts marred them.

"Kurt, those are…"

Kurt grabbed onto a razorblade and brought it to his skin. Blaine was breathing quickly. "Kurt, no. Kurt, no! KURT, STOP! KURT, STOP!"

"This one…." Kurt said, clicking the blade underneath the skin, emitting a cry from Blaine, "is _because_ of you, Blaine."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	37. Blaine's Scream

_here is where our percieved rape comes in._

* * *

"KURT, STOP IT I'M BEGGING YOU—"

"Eat something!"

"No! Kurt!"

At that response, Kurt felt tears prick into his eyes as he brought his blade close to his arm, tearing it up again.

Kurt moved towards his drawer, full of binge food wrappers, and then he pulled a bunch of protein bars.

Kurt threw the wrappers off relatively quick, and then threw himself on top of Blaine, he held him down with one hand, razorblade forgotten, and then force-fed him with the other.

"Kurt! KURT STOP IT I'M BEGGING YOU OH GOD KURT KURT KURT STOP KURT I LOVE YOU—"

Kurt shoved it down his mouth, down his throat, and then kissed his forehead. "It's for the best, Blaine. It's for the best."

Blaine suddenly disappeared from underneath Kurt, and Kurt watched him slide down his knees, and then with little energy, turned to the toilet bowl and threw up the contents of his stomach.

Kurt stood there, stunned. "Blaine, stop _purging_," his voice was silent, slow. "You…you can purge without… you can just bend down and purge. How long have you been…?"

Blaine looked up at Kurt, and then flushed. "I'm sorry."

"BLAINE, LOOK AT ME."

"I am, Kurt, I _am_." Blaine whispered. "And…you're just as bad as I am."

Blaine stepped out of the doorway, and Kurt rolled back his sleeves.

Finn and Burt were standing by the doorway with shock expressions. Kurt's heart was pumping and racing with horror.

Finn bit down his lower lip as Blaine left downstairs and then tears burned into his eyes. "We…we heard that… Kurt, did…did you _rape_ him?"

Burt looked reluctant to believe so. "Kurt, please, just…"

_I LOVE HIM. _Kurt's mouth was wide open. "…_no_!"

"I know what I heard," Finn shook his head. "I won't _believe_ you_. You raped him_, didn't you? He was _screaming_ for you to _stop_, Kurt…and…"

Kurt looked up at Burt with broken eyes. _Please don't believe this._

"Kid…what did you do_?"_ Burt's voice was empty. That was the first time that he'd ever seen that kind of disappointment in those vacant mirroring eyes.

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	38. Kurt's Ribbon

Nobody looked at Kurt Hummel the same anymore.

The New Directions won't look at him in the eye. His Father didn't stay in the same room as him and Carole just gave him tentative glances.

Kurt didn't know what to do or anything.

"Kurt, it's just not the same," Burt sighed. "I'm sorry."

Kurt bit down his lower lip. "I'm sorry too."

Two months after this event of Blaine and Kurt not looking at each other, not breathing the same air as each other and Blaine didn't know why everyone was sending pitying looks at him and Kurt wouldn't tell him.

"Talk to me, Kurt," Blaine was begging.

Kurt wouldn't. He'd cup his face and shake his head. "I'm sorry."

"Kurt—"

Kurt would leave. Blaine and Kurt would never go past that singular conversation. Blaine would never know what everyone else thought of him.

They knew, but they never said it.

They thought he was disgusting. The type of disgust that Blaine can't wash away. That he can't purge out.

Two months after, Kurt had a new ribbon.

Blaine cried when he saw it.

Yellow.

Not that colour, that colour only meant one thing—

_Suicidal_.

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	39. Kurt's Call

_two chapter updates in one go because they are short._

* * *

Burt Hummel rarely got any voice mails.

Usually they were ones that were from Carole, telling him to pick up the milk. Or from Finn asking him if he'd come home to see the football game.

Burt realised he had one right now.

"I did pick up the damn milk this time…"

He pressed the button. The voice was cold, stern, empty and held no mercy.

_"Goodbye, Burt."_

The voice was Kurt's.

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	40. Kurt's Head

_Kurt, call me back._

_Kurt, you're worrying me._

_Kurt, I understand you._

Kurt's eyes quickly scrawled over Blaine's text messages, but none of them made him waver slightly when he picked up his razor blade from the dresser.

His door was locked and his Father must be racing back home, so he had minimal time to do this, but he wanted to suffer before he died.

They all believed that he would do something as immoral as hurt the love of his life. _Love of your life, Kurt? Are you sure? Because he's dying from emaciation, _and Kurt didn't want to know Blaine's weight anymore because the thought of Blaine weighing any lower than 120 made him feel sick enough to projectile vomit.

The thing that killed Kurt the most was that Blaine was so well at hiding his self-destruction.

Kurt worked his way, arm downward. He was happy that he knew how to slice up his arm sufficiently enough that he was making a deep cut in record speed. It helped a bit that he was so anxious that he wanted to tear himself into pieces the quickest that he could.

His phone still kept on buzzing.

_Kurt, your Dad just called me to ask me what's wrong with you because I've been around you for a long time. _

Kurt snorted. Wait until his Father figured out how they enabled each other to their own gradual suicides. Kurt only saw how much of a monster he was at that moment, how unlovable he was.

How could Blaine love something that was unlovable?

_I told him you don't talk to me anymore. Talk to me, Kurt._

_Kurt, I'll drive now. I need to see you. I need to see you because you're scaring me and Burt might not get there in time and I think you're going to… _

The cutting slowed down and Kurt knew why. He was going to lose consciousness from blood loss. He can't keep on working on dozens of cuts on his arms. He will pass out before he even got a chance to try and kill himself.

Kurt realised that it was all futile, because he would never suffer enough for how he'd hurt Blaine. Even if he hadn't raped Blaine, people thought he could. His own Father thought he could rape Blaine. That was enough to send Kurt to this need of exiling himself from the world.

He slashed his wrists with unsteady hands. There were grey spots in front of his eyes but he tried to get it as deep as possible. His phone buzzed and it annoyed him. It made him more tense.

Kurt picked up the phone to read the mass of text messages.

_Kurt, if you're going to kill yourself, it's going to kill me._

_Kurt, if you're going to kill yourself, I will too._

Kurt shouldn't have. Through a stream of hot, fresh tears, he typed in record speed because if he didn't, he would probably faint or die – he hoped the later: _oh, will you, Blainey? Isn't blood so filthy and messy? _He can't believe how insensitive he sounded but he didn't care. It wouldn't matter when he was dead. It shouldn't matter when he was close to death either.

His phone fell because his hands were numb. He curled up to his bed, and didn't care that he was pressing his head against bloodied sheets. He curled up in his bed, and shut his eyes to fall asleep.

It took five seconds to realise that he broke his promise to Blaine again, that he wouldn't cut because of Blaine. He chuckled to himself, but it wasn't funny at all.

His door surged open. Kurt didn't know how long he would stay conscious. Seconds felt like eternities. Kurt wanted to get his razor again but the dizziness was too bad. His body shook from anaemia.

His chin was being pushed up. Kurt hoped it wasn't his Father. It was worse. It was Blaine.

"Kurt?" Blaine didn't sound at all like himself. He sounded like he was crying. Kurt wouldn't know because that small movement, that second where Blaine had pushed his chin up to look at him more clearly, Kurt's vision had all but gone grey.

"All for you, Blainey," Kurt murmured. "All for you."

"Kurt? Kurt?"

Kurt's eyes shut in that second. He could not hold on much longer.

"_Kurt_!"

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	41. Blaine's Thoughts

_Not only are their mentions of our previous perceived rape here, but there is actual referencing to rape, **actual rape**. So hold your hats on, babies. _

* * *

The next few hours were confusing for Blaine.

He thought that Kurt was still alive.

He thought that Kurt was already dead.

_He'd never seen so many fucking cuts in his life._

Blaine was sitting in Burt's car and he hadn't talked to him. His head was pressed against the window and it was cold. Everything looked like a blur.

Burt wasn't talking to him and Blaine thought this was okay, because if someone talked to him, he would cry and spill out everything. To be honest, all Blaine wanted to do was spill out everything but he was tired and he just wanted to know that Kurt was alive.

The first thing he did when Kurt's eyes shut was call 911. He swore that it took him five minutes to bring a coherent sentence from him because he was freaking out so badly.

He needed a bathroom. His clothing was stained with blood. He couldn't stand how disgusting he felt like with the bloodied clothing but a part of him wanted to contract something and die because if Kurt was dead, he would have no one.

He would be alone. Nobody would ever love him.

Blaine curled up into a ball and Finn was sitting beside him. He hadn't been talking either so Blaine barely knew that anything existed.

"Kurt tried to kill himself, didn't he?" Finn always needed to make sense of things.

He didn't get any answer because if Blaine or Burt had to admit it out loud, then it would send them crying and screaming and they would get to nowhere. Finn didn't need an answer anyway because he finally got it. "You know, it's our fault because we didn't treat him the same after we found out about the rape."

Blaine's eyes widened at the thought of this, his heart racing, because what rape? Finn patted against Blaine's shoulder but Blaine was being hysterical right now, flinching as he curled up into his hands, and he just cried. He couldn't do anything.

Kurt was raped and they didn't tell him? Kurt was raped and Kurt never told him.

Kurt pushed him away. Blaine would never forget that. Kurt pushed him away. He should have told Kurt that he was raped before because maybe then, Kurt wouldn't have pushed him away. Maybe he wouldn't have lost Kurt.

_This is all your fault._

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	42. Unstable Klaine

The car ride was long, very long.

"I was raped," Blaine finally said.

"We know, kiddo," Burt stated, as he looked down at his steering wheel. "Still trying to believe it."

Blaine didn't understand how people knew by the way he acted sometimes. His Mother said that he always acted so different afterwards. Blaine remembered because it happened at the Sadie Hawkins dance. Blaine should've told Kurt that he was raped before. He should've.

Maybe Kurt would open up to him. Maybe.

They were at the hospital. Blaine was still numb. All he wanted to do was run and see if Kurt was alive, but that wasn't possible because one, he didn't know which room it was and if he ran, he'd collapse because he hadn't eaten yet. He was saving his calories for dinner with his parents...before he got this message anyway.

Speaking of his parents, they had left him seven missed calls. Blaine didn't care.

They had to wait because they were stabilising Kurt. There was talk about blood transfusion. Blaine wanted to give his blood, but Blaine was a gay man and a gay boy can't donate blood.

Blaine ran it over his head, day after day. If Finn didn't have the same blood type, then Kurt would be dead, because Blaine can't give blood because he was gay.

Carole came into the room sixteen minutes after they took Finn to draw blood from him, and Blaine couldn't imagine his relief when he realised Burt had told her to bring clothes for Kurt and him.

Kurt's clothes nearly fell off Blaine. He stapled the end of the trousers.

The clothes smelled like Kurt. They _were_ Kurt's. Blaine buried his face in the fabric of Kurt's hoodie. It was one of the things Kurt wouldn't be caught dead in. Blaine had only seen him wear it once and both times, Kurt was sick.

Remembering sick Kurt laughing made Blaine feel physically sick. When he came back and sat down, Finn stared at him for a while.

"Blaine, you're like really, really thin. I just noticed that. Almost scary thin."

Carole stared at him for a long time. "Sweetie, have you been eating properly?"

That was the first time someone called Blaine didn't care at all that someone thought he was thin.

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	43. Kurt's Condition

They told him that he can finally see Kurt.

Now, Blaine was afraid.

He was afraid of seeing Kurt like that again, dead, but with wires. That was worse, seeing Kurt with wires was like seeing Kurt dying. Blaine didn't want to go in but he knew he had to.

Burt told him he didn't have to.

Blaine knew he had to anyway because it was his Kurt and he couldn't fail Kurt anymore. He'd done enough of that already. Blaine had been unable to eat or think straight because of his crippling anxiety. Finn had offered to get him something to drink or eat because Blaine looked like he was going to collapse.

Blaine didn't want to drink or eat anything. He thought he would physically get sick if anything went down his throat. For the first time in a long time, the last thing that was on Blaine's mind was food and that scared the shit out of him.

Blaine walked inside of the room and he stared at Kurt.

Kurt that laid there as pale as a sheet, with his deathly pallor, and his eyes still shut tightly. Kurt whom was on the verge of dying and could die any moment, whom was in a fragile state and the only thing that kept him together with the blood transfusions and bandages. Blaine wondered if he had to wait until the colour rose into Kurt's cheeks again to know that he was okay. He waited but they didn't.

Blaine stared for the longest of time. He did not know how to react. Kurt wasn't even awake. Finn was standing behind Blaine and his voice was serious when he said, "You look like he looks like, dude. Come on. You gotta eat or drink something."

Blaine stared down at Kurt. He didn't care. He needed to be in this room. He needed to see Kurt wake up. "No."

"Blaine, honey, he's right," Carole appointed.

Blaine sat down beside Kurt, staring at his angel's face. "No," he repeated his earlier statement. "…he looks so dead." He chuckled at the last bit because it wasn't funny. It wasn't funny at all.

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	44. Reality Klaine

_another chapter update (aka i updated twice if anyone hadn't noticed because someone wanted Burt to find out the truth and he does in this chapter so here it is.)_

* * *

Blaine Anderson held Kurt Hummel's hand on the hospital bed. He wondered if this was how holding the hand of a corpse felt like. Kurt's skin was rubbery, pale and cold.

Hours trekked into days, three to be precise. They couldn't get Blaine to really leave the hospital. He went to the Hudson-Hummel household to shower and come back but that was the only thing he did and that was only when his anxiety peaked to the point where he needed to shower. That happened to frequently. If Blaine wasn't in the hospital room, he was in Kurt's room showering and rubbing his skin until it was raw and red.

They couldn't get him to sleep. They couldn't get him to eat. And Kurt was looking ridiculously pale.

Blaine was trailing a finger on Kurt's cheek.

Blaine was scared. Blaine was petrified. Blaine was mortified. Blaine wanted to do something. Anything. Blaine wanted to save Kurt. He wanted to save Kurt more than he ever could. He wished that fairy tales were real and that if he leaned down to kiss Kurt, his angel would come to life.

Kurt looked so _dead_, with those needles pricking his skin. Kurt looked _so dead_, with those eyes shut tightly, and that chest barely moving up and down. Blaine had never been so aware of someone breathing as much as he was in those moments.

It was just Blaine and the gentle heart monitor that morning. He hated that thing. He wanted to tear it off Kurt, and for someone to tell him that Kurt was going to be okay—why wasn't Kurt waking up? Why was nobody giving him answers? Then again, he heard people talk about it all the time but words went passed Blaine.

He had the door creak open and now, he wasn't alone.

Blaine Anderson watched Burt Hummel sit down on a chair opposite of Blaine but still next to Kurt's bed. His eyes never left his son's face. Blaine wondered if this was how Burt felt like when his wife was dying.

Blaine's throat was on fire. Burt watched Blaine's eyes fill with tears as Blaine gripped Kurt's hand.

"…he won't talk to me about anything." Blaine whispered. "It killed me."

The Doctor spoke from behind Blaine. "Well, people in abused relationship often feel attached to their significant other. I…did you get a check-up for the rape?"

Blaine stared up at the Doctor with wide eyes. He had completely paled. He tried to process what the man was saying.

"We know, kiddo," Burt's voice was soft, as he looked down at Kurt.

Blaine had put two and two together and when he did, everything seemed to make sense. He felt sick sitting there in the car. He thought Kurt was raped, but they thought that Kurt was the rapist. Blaine had said that he was raped and Burt said that he'd known. Every thought finally made sense, why Kurt would do it, why Kurt was so distant—Blaine jumped up as if he was hit by cold ice.

His mind was processing his own rape again, the fear, the anxiety, how he'd trusted that person, how that person abused that trust and that feeling flickered through him. It disgusted him that anyone can think that his Kurt, his beautiful Kurt, can do such a thing.

_"KURT WOULD NEVER…EVER…TOUCH ME LIKE THAT!" _

Burt's eyes widened. "But kid, we heard stuff coming from the room, you were telling him to stop and…"

Blaine's mind lit with realisation as he froze in place. If he said the truth, it would be the end of his starving. The end of all of this. If he didn't, Kurt would die for nothing…

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	45. Klaine Hurts

Blaine didn't say anything but he should've. He was such a stupid little coward. How could he put his own disorder in front of his baby? The confliction was finally making sense to him.

They sat in silence afterwards as Burt tried to process what Blaine had just said. "He didn't rape you?" he asked again, just to make sure.

Blaine looked down at his lap. "He tried to kill himself because he couldn't believe that someone – especially the people he loves the most – would believe that he would ever rape me."

Blaine shut his eyes. "When I was raped, I…I just felt filthy. I can't…be filthy." Blaine hated using those words. Filthy. Dirty. Trigger words. Just saying the word made him want to throw himself in the shower forever. He took a deep breath.

"I know that was what Kurt was thinking because I know him the best." Blaine had a little smile on his face, because he did know Kurt the best.

Blaine's hand wandered and gripped tightly onto Kurt's. He pressed his head against Kurt's arm. "He would never touch me," was all that Blaine can say.

Blaine heard a series of raspy coughs. They hurt his heart but they were coming from _Kurt_. That meant something important to Blaine. Blaine looked at his baby for the longest of times. Kurt's eyes slowly opened and it was the most beautiful mass of blue Blaine had ever seen in his life.

Kurt coughed again and it sounded like Hell. He looked like he was trying to focus on something. Blaine had immediately diverted his attention to the bottle of water he had on the desk. He had opened the cap and slowly made Kurt take small sips because he can imagine how bad Kurt's throat must be.

Kurt didn't seem to care. His eyes were looking from the water bottle to Burt. He had to have heard some part of the conversation - had to. "I would never…_never_ touch him," Kurt said. His voice was raspy and slightly shaky, but his eyes were so adamant. "You…you didn't believe me."

"Kurt, you need water," Blaine tried to pester him to drink more, bringing the bottle back to Kurt's lips. He was afraid for how badly dehydrated Kurt may be. He didn't know if Kurt had been binging and purging. He knew that logically Kurt was hooked to an IV but all he can do was panic and think illogically.

"You didn't believe me," Kurt repeated, his voice a little teary. "_I'm your son_."

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	46. Irrational Blaine

_and yet another chapter update. if anyone noticed, i updated twice :P._

* * *

Blaine could hear them. He could hear everything around him right now.

Finn would be crying. He'd be crying so hard that his body would look like it was breaking up on him as he held onto Kurt. Blaine can see that too. Finn looked like he was physically going to break down. After all, Kurt was still on the verge of dying but apparently, to Kurt, it was not a fast death. With the amount of deficiencies Kurt had, he would have probably killed himself without even trying.

Kurt would be silent. Kurt did not talk to anyone after that anymore. Kurt ate all of his food and went to the bathroom continuously and he did not care about anyone whom would notice. Everyone was so busy frantically worrying about Kurt's self-harm and self-injury that they didn't pay attention to the fact that Kurt a lot more than most people were humanly possible able to and went to the bathroom near continuously.

Kurt did not look at Blaine anymore after that. Blaine did not think he can take it anymore. Burt would be begging Kurt to look at him. Kurt would not look at him. Carole would be shaking as she tried to hold his face and get her to look at him. Kurt refused to stare into anyone's eyes.

The Doctors said that Kurt was probably trying to tune out reality that he constructed his own reality and if he met anyone's gaze, he'd be breaking that reality. Blaine thought that was stupid and knew that if Kurt looked at people, he would feel sorry for this suicide he was going through and Kurt was shitlessly tired of feeling sorry for wanting to die.

The only real reaction Kurt got was when Carole pestered Blaine about eating something. Hell, Blaine barely drank anymore, much less eat and Kurt flinched whenever Blaine said he wasn't hungry, because Kurt knew that Blaine was literally starving. Kurt might not look at Blaine but he definitely was glancing at Blaine's body every few minutes.

Every time Kurt did that, Blaine felt like he'd gained three pounds.

"Blaine Anderson, you _will_ eat today. I do not care about what you may think, but you're eating," Carole mumbled. Blaine's parents have been trying to get Blaine to eat something but he looked like in so much physical pain that they couldn't. Carole felt that way too but she was laying down a law right now.

"No," Blaine denied her request immediately.

That was when Kurt couldn't take it anymore, and he glanced up to meet with Blaine's eyes. Blaine was so stunned and thrown back that he just stared into his eyes. Kurt's eyes that were adamant. Kurt had turned to one side and had taken up a packet of crackers Burt had gotten for Kurt. After opening said packet of crackers, he pulled out one and shoved the rest into Blaine's hands. Before Blaine can say anything, Kurt had shoved that one cracker into Blaine's mouth. Blaine reluctantly took it in, knowing fully well that if Blaine had spat it out it was definitely a red sign for them that Blaine wasn't just depressed.

Blaine was about to put down the crackers again but Kurt grabbed him by his wrist. _"Blaine Devon Anderson_." His voice was stronger than it had been in days.

Blaine had finally given in, taking one of the crackers in the batch. Now, Blaine looked hungry. Kurt had finally looked over at Finn and told him to get something for Blaine. Just because it was the first time in a long time that Kurt even bothered to look at people, Finn had practically surged out of the doorway.

When Blaine was eating, Kurt had unexpectedly leaned down and kissed him. He hadn't been expecting it so badly that Blaine pushed Kurt away.

Blaine looked down for a few moments and Kurt pulled his chin up to attempt kissing him again. This time, Blaine granted the entrance for Kurt's tongue to slide in.

Blaine realised why Kurt was so keen on kissing him in that moment when he pulled away, mouth close to Blaine's ear as he said, "I understand that you're scared of eating, Blaine, but this is _far_ too much."

"You're gonna die," was all that Blaine can say, his voice breathless and broken.

"I _won't_ leave you, Blaine," Kurt sounded this out too loudly. Blaine nearly flinched. Kurt didn't care about reassuring anyone else – because everyone else doubted him.

"Then you must be _delusional_ because you didn't quite look into the mirror yet," Blaine spat out. Kurt still looked like death gave him a fair warning. Hell, Blaine knew he was going to die just from the fact that all Kurt did was throw up what he ate and sit around mindlessly waiting to either be discharged for a second attempt or die. Blaine knew for a fact that Kurt wouldn't tell anything to a therapist. When Kurt had his mind set, he wasn't going to change it. If he wanted to die, he would. It was as simple as that.

"I'm here for you," Blaine didn't know if Kurt was trying to convince himself something or trying to prove something to Blaine. "I love you. I _promise_."

Blaine bit down his lower lip. Blaine's mind reminded him how well the last promise was. "I promise, Blainey. With all of my heart, I promise."

"Are you just telling me this so I would _eat_?" Blaine quickly realised, his eyes widening.

Kurt wouldn't meet his eyes again and Blaine immediately knew why. Kurt was assuring him that he would love him even if he did eat, even if he did end up gaining all the weight he practically killed himself to lose. Blaine's eyes blazed with a horrible amount of fury. He stood up to leave the room.

"Blaine, you are being irrational." Kurt sounded out.

Blaine knew he would regret it the minute he said it but that didn't stop him from saying it either. "Why were you so distant to me? Why couldn't you tell me what they thought you did?"

And in that moment, Kurt had spat out. "Why did I have to hear from _my Father_ that you were raped?"

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	47. Broken Klaine

Blaine had turned around to stare at Kurt for a long time. "You really want to know why I never told you I was raped?"

Kurt shifted uncomfortably but then nodded his head. Blaine chuckled slightly. "Do you know that feeling that when you study for a test and even if you're really prepared, you go into the class and there are people panicking about it and you can't help but panic too? Even if all logic tells you you're ready?"

Kurt slowly nodded his head.

Blaine bit down his lower lip. "Everyone treats me like I'm fragile when they found out so I panicked, Kurt. I panicked because I didn't know how to act after the rape. How I was expected to act…if there was a certain way I was supposed to act. I felt like just because I didn't act in a certain way, people thought I was lying. I felt like _something_ was wrong with me."

Blaine chuckled at this, eyes looking down at the floor. "I didn't want you to think I was tainted. I felt like whenever I told someone about the rape, there's that emptiness and doubt. You were something safe to me, Kurt. I didn't want to bring in all the pain…and fear that I bought in whenever I told other people. You are the only person I don't ever want to feel like I have to measure up or act a certain way in. Is it wrong…for wanting that to last?"

"Yes," Kurt carefully said, as his eyes flickered with compassion. "Because that sounds a lot like denial. And that isn't hurting anyone but _you_."

"_Do you think I care about hurting me_?" Blaine said, looking close to laughing.

Kurt stared at him for the longest of time.

Blaine quickly jumped to another topic. "Did you tell any of them you were cutting way before you tried to kill yourself?"

"Blaine, _shut up_," Kurt growled darkly.

"Kurt, you scared me," Blaine's voice wavered off and was lower now. "...I always thought that one day, I was going to wake up and have to see you dead. You know what killing me the most? It's not the cutting or the anxiety or any other thing…it's the thought that you pushed me away for so long and you wouldn't tell me…"

Kurt stared at him and then slowly nodded his head.

"Do you know I felt like? That I was so powerless to stop anything? Do you know how much it would've killed me – it would've killed all of us if you died?" Blaine finally confronted the issue, his eyes burning with pain as Kurt took a deep breath.

"You can move on," Kurt finally said out loud.

"You really think that?" Blaine inspected. "Look at me in the eyes, Kurt and tell me that you _honestly_ think that I can move on."

Kurt pursed his lower lip. He didn't say anything.

Blaine's only response to that, as he looked down at the floor again. "…I _know_, Kurt."

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	48. Kurt's Confession

Then Blaine completely broke.

Blaine's arms were around Kurt's body and Blaine was sobbing as Kurt held him as tightly as ever before, as if Blaine would disappear if he didn't.

Then in that moment, nothing else would matter.

Blaine would stop crying. This time, it won't be over a binge. It would be over his suicidal boyfriend. Blaine didn't know which one made him feel worse.

This time, Kurt didn't know if he was going to leave by the time that Blaine woke up. Just that he was running against parallel time—

Then Blaine woke up. And stared at him with those eyes. Those broken eyes.

Blaine stared up at him.

Then it all gave away.

Kurt would feel Blaine staggering to breathe in his body. The laboured breaths reminded Kurt that Blaine was going to disappear on him—

"I'm – I'm anaemic." Blaine whispered.

Kurt knew he'd be anaemic. He barely ate anything for the iron that his body so desperately needed – he –

Kurt realised what he meant when he slid over Blaine's wrists and saw the ample fresh bloodied cuts that marred his arm. Kurt had never felt sicker than he had at that moment.

"S-s-see? I have the courage too," Blaine whispered, his body laboured. Kurt's heart was pumping far too quickly.

_"Courage, right?"_

_Blaine shut his eyes, apparently hating his own words being used against him as he nodded. "Fucking courage," Blaine mumbled brokenly under his breath. "Of course." _

Kurt cupped his cheek, shaking his head as Blaine pulled himself up against Kurt, whilst Kurt held him as he tried to breathe.

Blaine tried to breathe. Blaine was _struggling_ to do something as simple as _breathing_. Kurt swore that this was how death felt like and it hurt him more than any razor, any paperclip, and any pocket knife could.

The Doctors had to take Blainey away from him because his breathing got so bad.

Blaine had to leave him.

Kurt can finally understand the stab that burned in Blaine's heart whenever Kurt left. The loneliness that consumed him. Now, he was alone. Now, _nobody_ understood.

Now, Burt was trying to hold his hand. Burt that didn't quite understand.

Kurt sniffed. Kurt remembered this grip from when he was a child, but now, that same grip was far too painful. "You're crushing my hand."

Burt suddenly looked down and in that moment, he registered why. "You…your hand is…your arm is…you are…thin. Very thin. Exceptionally thin, Kurt."

Kurt looked up at him. He wanted to truly laugh, or cry, or scream. He did none of those because if he did any of those, he would probably end up finding a knife or a gun and end this all. Kurt may want to die but at least he didn't have the heart to kill himself in front of his family members – even if they were all pieces of shit that believed that Kurt would ever…ever…hurt Blaine like _that_.

"Thanks for noticing," he bitterly snapped back. "And Blaine's practically wasted if anyone else noticed that."

Finn's eyes widened. "…w-what?"

"Because I _throw up my food_, Finn," and this emitted a sob from Carole. Kurt's eyes hardened. "And Blaine doesn't eat. _Blaine doesn't eat anything at all anymore_. I watched him _starve_. He watched me _throw up_. And we continued – until it killed us both. Until Blaine can't _breathe_. Because there isn't any iron carrying oxygen in his blood anymore and he needs help _breathing_."

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	49. Kurt's Concern

Silence consumed the room after Kurt's small but horrible confession.

Burt was right next to Kurt. Finn stared at a corner. Kurt had actually noticed that Finn's only products of consumption were tea and coffee. Kurt knew that Finn's guilt usually drove him to overeat but not this time. Carole didn't notice. Kurt wished that he didn't either.

Burt stared at Kurt. There was still silence, but he finally realised what he wanted to say. "Where the hell was I, Kurt? Where the hell was I when my son was upchucking his food?"

Kurt whom was stoic ever since he woke up _save for looking at Blaine and adamantly telling him to eat a bunch of crackers which Kurt just realised that he didn't really eat_ couldn't take it anymore.

Kurt finally let out a sob.

Kurt knew why, so he just stated it out loud. He wasn't cruel enough to let such guilt hang over the man that had taken care of him for most of his life and had done nothing wrong. Kurt knew it in his heart that if his Father wasn't so oblivious, he would never have let Kurt do any of the things he'd done to himself..

"You were blinded by how much you loved me…how much you wanted to believe that I was okay." Kurt finally let a smile encompass his lips. "I am _not_ okay."

Burt was shocked by Kurt actually responding to him that it seemed to take him a long time to process what he was saying.

Kurt's eyes went to the doorway. "Is Blaine going to be okay?"

It took him a few more minutes to process Kurt's question, before Burt carefully placed a hand on his son's shoulder. "Kiddo, I don't… focus on you right now. You can't keep doing this. Either of you, putting each other above yourselves. You gotta heal first, okay? You gotta heal first, then you can worry about Blaine. Doctor's orders."

"He's _not_ going to be fine, is he?" Kurt snapped, as his voice got harsher.

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	50. Blaine's Darkness

The first thing Blaine Anderson saw when he woke up was his Mother.

"What did you do?"

It was that question that made Blaine's anger coarse through his blood without him really understanding any of it. His eyes flashed into a colour close to ebony in the light. He stared at his Mother like she was insane and he knew he'd regret those words but it never felt so right saying them like he had right then. "Well, I _decided_ to stop breathing."

"Blaine, this isn't like you at all."

He'd lost the essence of Blaine long between the time that he decided that he should cut, or binge, or purge, or starve. He wondered how his OCD had ever let him purge before. He remembered shaking the first time he'd done it. He remembered not eating two days after he'd first done it because of how filthy he felt. He wondered when two disorders fought against each other, then what was the outcome?

Somehow, Blaine always knew that one of them would kill him. He never knew which one until now.

Blaine would rather die of a ludicrous thing like drinking bleach. That used to be such a lovely thought, or disinfect every patch of his skin, even the ones that didn't have any cuts. He used to want to. He would've but something had always stopped him. Logic. Logic was thrown away to the pits of Hell the minute that he thought that he could live on nothing for days, binge, and still lose a lot of weight because he'd purge.

If he purged, all he gained was water weight that disappeared the same day if he went back to restriction. That was all that Blaine did. Fast, binge, purge, restrict for a week, fast for as long as possible, binge, purge, restrict for another week.

"I'm not me," Blaine finally said. "I haven't been for a long time now."

Where did happy Blainey go, the one that wouldn't ever think that there was anything better than laughter and a smile?

She moved towards him just to rub his shoulder. It really just was anaemia. He hated having to show the Doctor his cuts, see his Mother speculate each and every curve of paper-clips and little knives. Blaine had always been an expert at cutting tofu slices and little bits of lettuce. Had they actually seemed to forget that all Blaine would eat when he restricted was bread, tofu and lettuce?

How he'd manage to go past the Warblers with a broken smile, and a huge fitted blazer that probably used to fit him perfectly far too many pounds ago. All Blaine knew was that he wasn't thin enough.

The Warblers and their stupid fucking dinners. It was why he purged in the first place. That and fear and the thought of being called a coward again made him want to cry.

"Blaine."

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	51. Dysfunctional Klaine

_i updated yesterday but i'm unsure if anyone read because lack of reviews. if you didn't, then i did yesterday._

_so! two updates today. _

* * *

They wanted him to weigh himself. All Blaine saw that he'd lost a few pounds.

His weight made his Mother cry and his Father was staring at him in complete disbelief. Blaine just curled up in his hospital bed, wondering if he should tell them he still thought he was completely disgustingly fat.

They asked him questions about his eating habits.

Blaine lied.

_How do you explain losing such a huge amount of weight in a short period of time?_

_Stress._

_Are you sure?_

_Yes._

_I've been told you were very restrictive with your food._

_I'm picky._

_What do you see when you look into the mirror?_

_I look sick._

_I want you to eat this for me._

_I can't. I'm a vegan. _

So they got him food that was actually certified as vegan, that Blaine thought was far too many calories. He ate all of it and felt like he'd gained nine pounds of weight already.

They questioned Kurt too about Blaine. He spilled out everything, every one of Blaine's thoughts.

Blaine had never felt so betrayed in his life. When they caught him weighing himself again, Blaine couldn't help but not eat because the thought of getting fatter literally terrified him to the point where he couldn't eat. It was hard to eat, harder to deal with the consequences of eating than it was with starving.

They were going to transfer him to a psych ward. Blaine just knew it.

He overheard them saying that they will probably put Kurt in recovery. Kurt was more willing to recover than Blaine. Blaine wondered why since Kurt was the one that wanted to kill himself.

He realised that that was how love must feel like, because Kurt sacrificed everything – even with how much he wanted to die, all Kurt really needed to see was Blaine suffer to realise he couldn't take it anymore. Blaine felt like a bad person for feeling flattered because of it.

As much as he was flattered, he was pissed off. He was nowhere near thin and Kurt was doing this to him. He can't believe that Kurt was handing them both in. In the end, Blaine realised he was more angry at Kurt. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he realised how disgusting it must be to put self-destructive disorder in front of Kurt, but that didn't matter anymore.

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	52. Kurt Lets Go

_if anyone didn't notice, i updated yesterday and today has two updates. so yes. be aware._

* * *

Kurt hated the sounds that came from his rooms late at night because there were no sounds. Not usually. It was too silent for sounds.

Right now, all Kurt did was kick across his cover because he heard a sound. It was far too late to hear a sound right now, but he did. He stood up, taking off wires. Nobody knew, nobody would know. The nurses said that he probably didn't need his IV wires anyway – they probably knew he was throwing up his food but didn't do much about it. Probably because he was admitted for a suicide attempt, not his bulimia.

Kurt had the suspicion that they'd care about his bulimia if he wasn't so liberally gay. At least these nurses that he'd seen.

Kurt had walked towards the door, opening it, and stared the source of the sound.

Blaine. His Blaine. Struggling from a grip of two much more larger and built men. In his heart, he knew that it didn't matter how built the other men were, Blaine barely existed weight-wise. At least to Kurt, he looked like he barely existed.

_"Let go of me! Let go of me! I don't need your psych ward! I don't need anything! I'm alright! Maman, tell them!"_

Kurt was breathing heavily. There was no Burt. There was no Carole. There was just Finn whom was standing there, holding a hand on his shoulder. Usually, it was quiet when it immediately fell night for some reason. Usually.

Kurt's hands curled up in the glass as tears made his way towards his eyes.

He never thought Blain Anderson could look like a porcelain doll in his life. He wished he wouldn't have to hear anything.

It took a few moments for Kurt to realise Blaine was addressing his Mother.

_"Maman, tell them! Please, I'm okay! I'm okay! I just—"_

Jenna was crying. Jenna was crying so hard. Kurt was staring at Joseph holding Jenna, supressing his own tears. Blaine, Blaine who wouldn't eat, being dragged away so he can be admitted as an inpatient.

Kurt was staring at Blaine. Really staring at Blaine.

Blaine wasn't just thin. Blaine wasn't just emaciated. Blaine was so thin that it disgusted Kurt to no end. They were going to take Blaine.

Kurt staggered out of the hallway. Out of those wires, and everything. Kurt would've felt free any other time, but not this time. Blaine grabbed onto Kurt's hand. Kurt's breathing was erratic.

"Kurt, Kurt, tell them." Blaine whispered. "Tell them not to take me away from you," Blaine was on the verge of tears.

"I have to let go now." Kurt whispered. "And it's gonna be alright, okay?"

Blaine stared at Kurt. "You're gonna let them take me away?"

"Blaine, you're…you're sickly thin."

"No," Blaine whispered.

Kurt kissed Blaine's knuckles. "I'm gonna let go now and they're going to take you away."

"No," Blaine said more forcefully. "_No_! How dare you do this to me, Kurt! _I thought you loved me!"_

"I do, Blaine! Don't you understand? I do, that's why I'm doing this. I'm sorry." Kurt let go of Blaine's hands, watching him disappear off, as his screams filled the hallways. Kurt was shaking as tears pooled from his eyes….

_Blaine_.

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	53. Kurt Shatters

_"Kurt, Kurt, tell them." Blaine whispered. "Tell them not to take me away from you," Blaine was on the verge of tears._

Kurt placed his hand over his mouth to keep himself from screaming. He wanted to gnaw his fingers out. He wanted to die. More than anything, all that he wanted to do was die.

_Blaine stared at Kurt. "You're gonna let them take me away?"_

His Blaine – his so very sick Blaine…staring at him, not quite understanding.

_"No," Blaine whispered. _

He didn't realise just how bad he looked like. Kurt had honestly never seen something so horrific in his life.

_"No," Blaine said more forcefully. "No! How dare you do this to me, Kurt! I thought you loved me!"_

The words rang into Kurt's ears.

_"I thought you loved me!"_

Kurt remembered how they realised they weren't so different.

Their ribbons. Their bracelets. They were everything. The colours that meant their disorders. Blaine had never been so interested in Kurt until after he'd seen those ribbons, those ribbons and he knew. His self-injury ribbon and his bulimia ribbon. Blaine's anxiety ones and his anorexia one.

Kurt then grabbed onto the ribbons he had on and then just tore them like they were made out of nothing.

Kurt turned around. He saw that small little paper clip that was glinting. A nurse must have forgotten when she was clipping papers, the nurses that didn't care. Kurt grabbed into the paper-clip. He revelled into the metal. It smelled like home.

All of the familiar needs for that rush, that escape, all coming back to him. He needed this.

"_I thought you loved me!" _

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	54. Kurt's Promise

_two updates in one day, guise. c:_

* * *

He was grabbing a paper-clip from the table and was just about to dig it into his skin. He must've heard a sound, something—something must've happened.

He remembered Blaine. Blaine's beautiful face, and sultry eyes. He remembered he did not meet a broken man, that there was something inside of Blaine that was still so Blaine. Before Blaine was gone, there was something there, embedded, something that Kurt was drawn to.

Happiness.

Kurt dropped the paper-clip. He stood up and with a strong voice then whispered. "I promised."

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	55. Agonised Blaine

_next chapter is circled around the Warblers and Blaine for those who are interested in knowing. :3_

* * *

_They're going to make you better, Blainey._

"You let go."

Blaine whispered, looking at his hands as if he was expecting the latter, as if he was expecting Kurt to still cling onto his hand.

They thought he was suicidal. Blaine wasn't suicidal. All the cuts he had were for Kurt. All the times he tried to purge were for Kurt.

This was for Kurt.

_They're going to make you better, Blainey._

Blaine curled up into a ball, shook as tears burned down his eyes. He was alone. It was quiet. It was deadly lonely. He could not breathe. He could not breathe.

It hurt to think.

Jenna was wrapping her arms around him. "Maman?"

Blaine felt her hand on the back of his neck as the other hand combed through his hair, fingers caressing his imperfect hair.

The only thing he could do was sit and wash his hands. He will not eat anything that he could not wash. He will lie down after consuming an apple because his stomach wasn't used to food at all and it hurt having a single apple in him.

He cried when they tried to feed him anything else.

Now, he had a feeding tube hooked to his stomach. He did not like it. He wanted to rip it out until his body got nothing because all he felt like was fatter.

"Blaine," Jenna's voice was soft. "Blaine, what happened to you?"

Blaine just shrugged and then gave her a soft smile.

"How long?" Joseph's voice was adamant.

Blaine's eyes glittered with tears. "Since the Sadie Hawkins Dance," he replied, voice low.

Jenna's eyes were filling with tears.

"That was three years ago, Blaine."

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	56. Blaine's Friends

_Oh God. Make them stop crying for me. Make them stop._

Blaine couldn't look at himself anymore. He wanted Kurt, but Kurt was nowhere to be found. They didn't want Kurt and Blaine together in the same room anymore because Kurt thought that he enabled Blaine too much.

The Doctors told Blaine and all Blaine can think about was how Kurt didn't want him because he was so disgustingly fat.

_Oh God. Make them stop crying for me. Make them stop._

Jeff was standing there, sniffing and there were so many tears in his eyes.

Nick was shaking.

David was horrified.

Trent had tears filling his eyes.

He could not look at Wes, because if he looked at his best friend before graduation, he will break down.

He couldn't look at Thad because if he saw tears in Thad's eyes, he will never live it down.

"Blainey, why?" Jeff whispered, grabbing on Blaine's hand like he was the most fragile thing in the world and then shook his head, as tears rolled down his cheeks. "Blaine."

Nick was shaking his head right now; his trembling hand went to cup Blaine's cheek. "Blind." Nick suddenly said. "I am so _blind_."

"We were all so fucking blind," David suddenly swore, making Nick stare at him. David didn't _swear_.

"David-"

Blaine felt Wes suddenly attack him with a hug, a tight one.

Trent was sobbing right now. "Blainey, you're really thin."

Thad looked sick. "I…I asked you if you gained any weight…" his mind reeled. "…I…Blaine."

Blaine could only stare at them all as they sobbed and cried. Oh God, make them stop. Make them stop. They were killing him. He didn't deserve this. He—

"But they're going to make you better, right?" Jeff tried to find some light in the situation. "They're gonna make you eat and—"

Blaine pulled up his hospital gown so that Jeff can see his feeding tube.

Jeff looked sick. Trent was horrified.

"B-Blaine," Nick stuttered. "I can _count_ your bones."

"Oh. Okay." Blaine just pulled back his hospital gown.

"…Blainey, I would feed you ice-cream and chocolate and cake and—"

Blaine looked away this time from Jeff. And then chuckled sadly. "Blaine, even if my eating disorder will let me, the OCD won't and…" Blaine took a deep breath. "Jeff, I can't stomach an apple. I'm not gonna stomach chocolate or cake or…"

"Oh." Jeff realised, face falling and tears being held back._ "__Oh_."

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	57. Speculating Kurt

_because i did not update for 2 days. you get a twice update. c: _

* * *

"Does it hurt?"

Kurt looked up to see Finn standing there, hands buried into his pocket.

"What?" Kurt murmured. It all fucking hurt.

"To throw up your food?"

Kurt wondered where that was leading to. He was cautious as he said. "Used to," he murmured. "Doesn't anymore. I'm too good at it."

"I heard people can choke from trying to throw up their food." Finn stated and Kurt simply nodded his head. "Did you ever like choke?"

"Many foods come up the same way you ate them in, except slightly digested," Kurt explained.

"So you can die from choking on food." Kurt usually hated Finn's trains of thoughts in these kind of situations but he nodded his head in confirmation yet again. When Finn talked like this, Kurt never knew what he was getting at, but he went along with it just the same.

"Did you ever care if you choked on food and died and if someone like me or Burt or Blaine found you?"

It was the way Finn said it. He was honestly curious. There was no spite, nothing that Kurt can hate him for. Kurt had looked up to stare into Finn's eyes and then nodded his head.

Finn smiled weakly. "You know, if you think about the consequences, it means you're a good man."

"A good man doesn't puke up his food." Kurt finally said. Carole and Burt came back with coffee. Kurt took his salvation in his hands, his seventy-calorie coffee. His mind ran over calories. "And a good man doesn't try to kill himself."

"No," Finn murmured. "That kinda makes you human, dude, because if you push a guy too far, he's gonna react, and if he hurts too much, he's gonna find a way to make the hurt go away."

Kurt chuckled at Finn's analogy as he looked at him. Finn looked confused as he asked, "What's funny?"

Kurt shook his head. "That's very smart of you to say is all. I suppose I could've used some words of wisdom."

"Are you gonna throw that up?" Finn said, eying the coffee.

Kurt looked down at the coffee. Seventy calories. "Probably."

"It'll kill me if you do," was Finn's only response.

Kurt nodded his head, his eyes looking down at the seventy-calorie cup. He took a sip. Far too sweet to be in his body. He could not tolerate it being in his body. In response, all he'd said was, "I _know_."

But it'll kill Kurt more to keep this stupid little full of calories cup of what felt like pure sucrose inside of him.

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	58. Hopeless Kurt

Kurt had not been doing too well.

He was throwing up everything he did eat and he ate a whole lot. Except this time, it was worse. It was worse because _they_ knew.

He swore that Finn was pressing his ear up to hear Kurt throw up.

They got him a therapist. They got him medication. They did everything for him.

Kurt did take his meds but he had no idea whether he always threw them up or if they were just useless. He went to therapy but he and Blaine had the same therapist (Burt had mentioned it once to make Kurt ease up a bit) so all Kurt ever did was interrogate her about how Blaine was and if he was doing fine. Sometimes, she answered his questions.

All Kurt knew was that Blaine was not doing well.

All he wanted to do was see Blaine. All Burt asked him to do was not to.

_Blaine isn't coping well. He's not doing well I know but you need to focus on yourself, Kurt. This isn't healthy for you. _

The stress and anxiety meant one thing on the Hummel's side of the family – and that meant food. In Kurt's case, an abnormal amount of food.

Once, Burt sounded out who finished a whole cake because it was there two hours ago and the minute that Kurt flushed, Burt just went like 'oh'.

Kurt hated that they actually realised just how much Kurt ate. The loaves of bread, the bits of pizza – he can't pass them off as Finn overeating anymore. Actually, more than often, Finn tried to bribe him by giving him his food if Kurt promised not to throw it up.

Kurt always threw it up. He once overheard Finn saying something like _I was really, really hoping that…even if he did throw it up, that something would stay in him? _Speaking of which, Finn actually lost weight and Kurt hated it because not only did he know it wasn't intentional but he also knew it was because Finn would give away all of his food if it meant Kurt gaining weight.

Kurt's weight had been stationary for weeks now. Mostly because he hadn't the heart to purge all of his food. He knew that he still had a little inside him well after forty minutes of purging.

It had been three months after Kurt had been discharged and nothing was working. All Kurt can think about was if Blaine was even alive anymore.

All Kurt can think about was why he ever thought that recovery was going to work for him.

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	59. Kurt's Revelation

It was currently the seventh month that Kurt had actually been taking his pills three hours before deciding to puke something. He had made some progress but he threw up at least dinner.

The pills made him less obsessive about food but he felt stupid, realising he probably had to take pills for the rest of his life.

He had nearly shattered his scale the first time he realised that he was up a few pounds. The last time he was on a scale, he had gained a few more.

Kurt Hummel was trying so hard not to binge right now.

It had been seven months since he was let out from his suicide attempt. It was seven months since he tried to keep everything in his body. He didn't know what to do. If he kept it in, he gained weight. If he kept it in, he gained—

"Kurt?" Mercedes walked inside of his room.

Kurt bit down his lower lip and nodded towards her.

Rachel and Quinn followed him afterwards. Rachel's eyes were full of horror as she offered him a plate of cookies. Kurt's hand reached for one as to not break Rachel's heart even though he didn't feel like eating one. He bit into it silently.

Kurt didn't expect for Finn to take him in his arms and then pull him upwards.

"You're doing really, really good!"

Kurt swallowed. He did not regret that bite, not with Finn staring down at him like that. He wondered why he didn't feel any thinner when Blaine told him he was thin all the time.

Kurt just sighed as he stared at Quinn then at the mirror. Quinn grabbed his face. "Don't look if it upsets you. Kurt, you've always looked good."

Kurt just shrugged.

"I'll go offer these to my parents," Kurt said. Rachel must be crazy if she thought he'd eat twenty-something cookies the size of his face.

He was walking past the mirror. Kurt stopped in the full-length mirror in the hallway.

Rachel heard the sound of her plate shattering into pieces.

Carole and Burt raced to the hallway the minute that they heard that shatter.

"What…is _this_?" Kurt said, shouting in pure and utter revolt. He held his hands in the mirror, his eyes full of shock. "What the hell happened to me?"

Carole put her hand over her mouth.

Finn shrunk away. "Kurt, you…"

Kurt walked downstairs, and Carole wanted to leave and see if he was going to purge anything but he returned, holding a plastic container in his hand. He scooped up all twenty-nine cookies in the plastic container then stared at himself in the mirror again.

He shook his head at the reflection in the mirror.

"Kurt…" Mercedes called out.

Kurt tapped against the plastic container, pushing one to Mercedes. Kurt had a faint smile on his lips, and tears bubbling in his eyes.

"What did I do to myself?" Kurt asked. "I've got no ass," he then added on with a bigger smile, as tears pooled down his eyes.

Mercedes wrapped her arms around Kurt, making him drop the cookies but this time he didn't care. "Finally. I got my diva back."

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	60. Blaine's Picture

_two updates in a day guise. we're almost done with this._

* * *

Kurt realised that when he purged, he bloated – a lot. He actually looked pregnant. Most times that wasn't enough to make him stop purging.

He had gone from purging close to seven times a day to purging twice a day, which was his breakfast and dinner. Of course, he'd eaten a lot less so Kurt thought he had no concrete progress of his disordered eating habits.

Sometimes, he thought he was thin enough, but sometimes, he didn't. Right now, all he was focused on was the number.

He ate a lot less when he didn't weigh himself so Burt came him that privilege if Finn, Carole or him were there to look over Kurt's weight. They did this at least five out of seven days of the week.

Burt didn't seem to like that Kurt had lost a few pounds, though he knew Kurt had actually been sick with a fever for the past week. He hated more than ever that Kurt seemed to have this rush and high from seeing the number go down.

Most times, it didn't matter what he looked like as long as the number was smaller than the day before.

In Glee, he was just looking over a few photos on his iPod Touch because he was bored. He stopped at one very recent one of him and Blaine and his heart nearly stopped.

"Kurt? Dude? Are you alive?"

Kurt looked up to stare at the rest of the New Directions, completely pale. He finally showed them the very picture he was looking at. It used to be just a normal, okay picture in Kurt's head before – he had never really thought about it. It was one where Blaine and him were just sitting on his bed. Blaine was wearing something that was Kurt's. Kurt remembered that he thought it was adorable at that time.

Kurt's closet was a mass of hoarding. He hoarded clothes he had since he was a baby up until now. What Blaine had been wearing was a shirt that used to fit Kurt as a preteen.

"You let Blaine walk around looking like _this_?" Kurt's voice was as high as possible. "You've seen him! The handfuls of times that you've seen him, you couldn't have pointed it out? Why didn't anyone do anything?"

"Kurt, we didn't know what to do," Tina had said, voice a little softer.

"Kurt," Mr Schue began, walking towards the tall teen and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Kurt, you have to understand—"

"Blaine couldn't breathe because he was so anaemic. How do you expect me to understand?" Kurt's voice was as high as possible.

"Dude," Finn's voice was calmer. "We didn't know about Blaine or you because you covered it up really well. At least the fact that you were…_this_ thin. We knew that you lost a lot of weight but not like this. We always thought that you just lost weight but you had all of this pressure and Karofsky and were stressed so we just thought that it wasn't like that…and Blaine was really anxious all the time so we just thought that he was one of those people that couldn't eat when they were anxious and…_we're sorry_."

Kurt looked down at his feet and his eyes filled with tears. "Do any of you know I actually thought Blaine was obscenely attractive when he looked like that? I did think he was too thin but he was so hot too." Kurt couldn't meet up with anyone's eyes at this confession.

"Kurt, you were sick," Quinn reminded him.

"No, I am _sick_. Stop pretending that just because I'm _trying to get better_ that I still don't leave out of this room to binge and purge," Kurt hissed darkly, but this stunned Quinn. "Oh, please, you aren't so clueless as to realise that when I leave after I ate, it's probably to throw up. I know that Tina knows I still carry around toothbrushes and razorblades. Mike, you have seen _at least_ three new fresh cuts on my skin and none of them were shallow. I am coping, but it doesn't mean that you should _pretend_ that everything is fine. That's going to make me feel like it's okay to do any of this. I'm sick and tired of pretending."

"Then what do you want, Kurt?" Rachel shot back. "Because after all, reminding you that you have a disease isn't going to make you feel any better, is it?"

Kurt shut his eyes. "The truth _hurts_, Rachel."

And to emphasis on his point, he waved his phone in the air. "But do you think I'd rather feel like there's something wrong with me than having to think that it's okay for Blaine to be able to fit into a shirt that I could fit into when I was a child?"

Kurt chuckled when he received no response. He took his shoulder bag and threw it against his shoulder. "Thought so."

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	61. Blaine's Progression

_there are two chapters before the end. i'll prob put the last one later tonight._

* * *

Blaine would rather die than have any food forced into him. They tried to get him to speak and talk about things. He wondered if Kurt forgot about him. Kurt had to have forgotten about him. Had to. Who wanted him? Who the hell wanted him other than some disgusting low-life man that decided that it was okay to touch him?

Blaine had seen his Mother place her hand on his shoulder. He should be happy he even had people that cared about him. He should be happy that she thought that it was okay to drive over two hours just to see his stupid prissy little face and to skip work to do it too.

"Blaine, you're not even trying."

Blaine snorted. He was still alive so that was something. "How's Kurt?"

"Kurt is doing okay." He can tell she hated having to sit on the phone and ask Burt how he was doing just to calm Blaine down.

"He looked so thin," was all that Blaine can say. He shook his head. "Nobody should ever be that thin."

"You're so blind," Jenna nearly chuckled.

Blaine looked up not fully understanding. He had made his Mother cry so much. She nearly cried at least every day she saw him in and it always hurt him whenever she did. Blaine felt her hand wander towards his shoulder, rubbing it as gently as possible.

"Is Kurt not throwing up anymore?"

"Burt said he threw up his breakfast but he kept everything else inside of him."

Blaine smiled at the thought. "I want to see him."

"You have to get better."

He hated this. It sounded like bribery. It was, in Blaine's mind, bribery. All he wanted to do was see Kurt, but they wouldn't let him leave until he tried to get better. He didn't want to get better. He didn't want their foods. He wanted to stay like this. Nobody could ever want him like this. Nobody but Kurt.

It was safe like this. Nobody could touch them like this.

Nobody would ever want to bang someone that they thought was going to die. Nobody would rape him ever again if he stayed like this. Nobody would have the heart to. He'd rather die than be hurt again. He'd rather die than be fatter than this again. He refused to.

He was still so fucking fat. Why can't people see any of this?

"Are you going to get better?" his Mother asked him.

Blaine smiled. It was a fake little smile. "Yes."

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	62. Kurt's Self-Criticism

_this is a chapter before the last. i'll probably update one more time before i go to bed. i just need to run over the chapter; as said in other chapter._

* * *

"Hey." Burt moved towards Kurt, whom was busy mixing the batter for a cake.

"Hey," Kurt repeated, voice slightly weak.

"You're better now."

Kurt nodded his head then felt himself being lifted in Burt's arms and then felt his Father wrap his arms around him. "I missed you, Kurt."

Kurt smiled back, tightly holding on Burt's shoulders as he drew out an erratic breath.

"I gained ten pounds in three days," Kurt called out. He seemed to wait for some sort of criticism but all Burt did was laugh.

Kurt looked down. "I need to see Blaine," he said quickly. He had everything sorted out in his mind. He'd missed the NYADA deadline. They told him to focus on his recovery and he did. "Before I leave. For New York. I'm going…whether it kills me or not, I'm going somewhere in New York."

Burt nodded. "There you are. That's my kid."

Kurt flashed a smile towards Burt.

Burt looked at Kurt's arms, his short sleeves showing off all of his cuts as he continued to mix the batter of the cake.

Kurt poured the batter in the pan and then added it in the awaiting oven.

He didn't look back at Burt for some time, and then said. "Jeff called."

Burt didn't know a Jeff, but nodded.

"He said Blaine isn't getting any better."

"Kurt…" Burt's voice was soft.

Kurt shook his head. "I should've seen him," Kurt hissed. "I should've—"

"—you needed to pull yourself together, okay? You needed to get better to help him get better, Kurt. And don't you damn well forget that."

Kurt nodded his head. "Okay," he whispered. "I want to see Blaine now."

Burt looked at Kurt's broken face before he nodded. Kurt had been doing exceptionally well. Sure, he wasn't fully recovered. He still puked up his food but all the time descended down to most times and most times descended to sometimes. Sometimes was enough of a promise. "Come on. He'd want to see you too, huh?"

Kurt didn't know the answer to that. All he knew was that he let go. He could still feel it in his hands, as it raced into his heart, as it pounded into his skull – _he let go of Blaine's hand._

* * *

xo_ Peanut Butter/Sam_


	63. Klaine's Ending

_so this is the last chapter. i read this over and i just honestly want it to end here, since there is no real ending. usually i'd go on and on until they'd both die, but i honestly have been planning this ending and i don't know why i cannot change it. it feels wrong if i do._

* * *

"Blaine."

Blaine looked up at the strikingly familiar voice then he gasped out in shock when he was met with the most gorgeous pair of blue eyes ever.

He forgot to be angry. He forgot that he was willowing in self-pity for so long. He was just happy. Elated.

"Kurt," Blaine's lips widened. "You…"

Blaine was looking at Kurt's body. Kurt bit down his lower lip, but shifted his weight, pulling to show that he was bloated, which was natural for the first few weeks of eating properly before the weight evened out and re-distributed again. Kurt tried not to restrict his food intake but it was proven to be difficult. Yesterday was Burt's birthday and Kurt felt like it was too selfish to ruin it with his own problems. He'd never quite seen his Father smile like that.

Sure, he binged on the same cake in the morning and purged it up but progress was progress.

Blaine wasn't even looking at Kurt's stomach. Kurt realised he wasn't looking at his body – he was looking at his arms.

Blaine pulled his arms towards his. Kurt's cascade of scars against Blaine's small scars as Kurt looked down on him and cupped his cheeks.

Kurt wondered what Blaine wanted to know, but he should know now by Burt's incessant chatter with Blaine's Mother. "I'm better now, Blaine."

Blaine looked down as tears collected in his eyes. "I can't."

Kurt cupped Blaine's cheek. "You're just as strong as I am," was Kurt's only words.

Blaine nodded his head. "Okay." Kurt knew Blaine enough to know that Blaine would never believe that he was just as strong.

Blaine watched Kurt stand up and then Blaine gripped onto Kurt's wrists. "Are you leaving? To New York?"

Blaine watched Kurt twitch. He knew the answer. Blaine just stared up at Kurt with those broken hazel eyes that held so much contempt.

"…okay." Blaine nodded towards him. "Okay."

Kurt felt something spear and jab at his heart.

"I bought white beads for your bracelets."

Burt raised an eyebrow at the bracelets part but Kurt knew why. "It means that he'd be trying to recover. And I want you to _try_," Kurt emphasised on _try_ as Blaine nodded his head.

"…Kurt, if I get fat—"

"You have never been fat a single day in your life, Blaine." Kurt had taken Blaine's ribbons away. And was giving Blaine bead by bead, adding three beats to each ribbon.

"Oh, and this."

Blaine's eyes widened when Kurt had given him that silvery object that made Blaine's heart race.

"I will always love you," Kurt placed the silvery, gleaming promise ring in Blaine's finger. "I _promise_. Is…is that enough to make you feel better?"

Blaine nodded his head but he didn't feel any better. He actually felt worse.

Kurt stood up. "I have to leave now. You have to let go now."

Blaine nodded his head, allowing Kurt's hands to disappear from underneath him. "Why do you always leave me?"

"I'm not leaving you, Blaine," Kurt murmured. "I thought of staying for you, waiting for you to recover but Blaine, they're right. We've always depended on each other and that's not fair to you to always worry about me and it's not fair to me to always worry about you. It's no way to live."

Blaine shut his eyes, trying to digest what Kurt was telling him. Kurt knew for a fact that Blaine was bouncing back terrible conclusions in his head.

"I love you," Kurt repeated. "_I'm in love with you_. That isn't going to change because I'm going to New York and it certainly isn't going to change if you add a hundred pounds on you. It never mattered to me. I've never thought you were fat or thin, because Blaine, all I really care about is looking at your eyes and they're just miserable right now."

Blaine looked down at his lap.

"You're gonna get better, Blaine. I have faith in you. You have the courage. You've always had the courage." Kurt told him, pulling Blaine's chin up so Blaine was looking at him.

Blaine looked down at the promise ring.

The next few words sent Blaine into the happiest but most painful sobs in the longest of times.

"I want more of you to love, Blainey. I miss you. I miss _all_ of you. This ring is all for you, Blainey. All for you. Just you."

Blaine didn't know how to feel as he cried. The thing about promises was that he knew by now that none of them were true.

* * *

_peanut butter for you if you actually foreshadowed this. i've mentioned Kurt leaving as a theme for so long, in the beginning where Kurt left after he purged when Blaine was washing his hands and a second time when Kurt had to leave Dalton. now, a third. yup. there was a pattern. xD._

_if I write it through Blaine's recovery, i'll find a way to make it anticlimactic. :( that or i'll kill him. probably kill him actually._

_Following our ED series, is "And You Are The One to Blame", which has **no relation** to this. It's a bulimic!Finn/bulimic!Kurt ensemble where Furt is the ones with the toxic relationship. There will be series of these. Sadly, yes, they're not all Klaine but they do heavily mention Blaine until now. At least the ones I did plan out. :'D I say they're a series because they all have the same ED!toxic relationship theme. Until now, I know I'm doing Furt, Kurtbastian, Seblaine and possibly either Sebandler. Maybe something else. It depends really. i'm thinking Kandler too as well as Finchel (i don't like Finchel but the idea of them both having an ED is priceless.)_

_so here is our breakdown or what i thought of so far:_

**_ED!Furt - bulimic!Finn/bulimic!Kurt (purging; overexercising) - this is already posted if you want to read it. _**

_ED!Kurtbastian - muscle dysmorphic Kurt 'thinking he isn't big enough in terms of muscle; opposite of anorexia'/anorexic Sebastian_

_ED!Seblaine - purging disordered Sebastian/binge eating disordered Blaine _

_ED!Sebandler - binge eating disordered Chandler/Sebastian with orthorexia (fixated on 'correct' eating) _

_if i'll do Kandler/Finchel -_

_Kandler - anorexic!Chandler/anorexic!Kurt _

_Finchel - bulimic!Finn/bulimic!Rachel (both by purging/laxative abuse)_

_honestly, there is more but i want them to be accurate and never in my life have i had pica and i'm not a diabetic so i don't know how diabulimia is. i also am not a drinker so drunkorexia is out. compulsive over-eating seems like BED, but apparently, it's a 'step down' in some sort of sense from COE but BED i can portray properly. for most of my life i've had EDNOS so i know how it is to restrict/binge/purge and have a fixation with 'just the right porportions of food'/muscle obsession so i can easily convey those bits but i cannot for the life of me convey COE/pica/diabulimia/night eating disorder/nocturnal night eating/drunkorexia or regurgitation syndrome. if you have any specific pairings you want to see with any combination of BED/muscle dysmorphia/anorexia/bulimia/orthorexia/purging disorder, you can definitely just like comment on this. i'll take it into consideration. even if you guys just want another Klaine one or whatever pairing one. if you want a certain pairing with certain portrayals or ED-centered plots, i'll do them given that both of them have it (that's the point of this series actually!) _

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


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